obscure.ponderings

Back on track

2012-01-31T22:36:00.000-05:00

Following my last post, I, of course had to write a drunken email to Jason. It actually was really sweet. When I let my two closest friends read it, it brought tears to both of their eyes. I told him in the message that I didn't expect to hear back from him and didn't need to. It was just some stuff I wanted him to know. I woke up the next morning and luckily didn't regret it. That day definitely gave me the closure I needed.

My trainer was a bit mad at me today. I haven't lost any weight this week. And it's my own fault. I worked out like crazy....but I definitely went off my diet (especially Saturday and Sunday). I'm not supposed to be drinking at all. That was problem #1. But, must get back on track this week. I am so close to my goal!!

Also, found my new obsession!

I have noticed people's latest songs coming up on Facebook for a while. So I finally decided to check it out. I'm not sure how I got through a workout at the gym without it!

Someone stop this train

2012-01-29T01:58:00.001-05:00

Write drunk. Edit sober. - Ernest Hemingway

Well, here we go.

I shouldn't have even had anything to drink. I have been sober for 4 weeks...which is a big deal for me. And I'm not exactly drunk. I had two beers. But still not supposed to have any alcohol on my diet.

I saw Jason yesterday. I needed to get my stuff back. We met in a parking lot. Near this restaurant that a couple of our first dates were at. I was incredibly nervous. I haven't seen him in over a month. And I had not even talked to him since he got a new girlfriend. It was pretty awkward. But I remained confident. I looked good. He looked pretty awful actually. The attraction was still there though (on both ends, I'm sure). I don't know if that will ever go away. It was good that I saw him. It did give me some kind of closure with our relationship. And, even though he has publicly seemed to move on and be doing fine, I know he isn't. His problems are the same.

Tonight I saw Nelson. Nelson is the third person (out of not many) that I have slept with...5 years ago. We went to college together in Tennessee. Now we live about 45 minutes apart in Florida. We see each other every couple of months or so. We had lunch together. We went our separate ways. Then decided to have dinner together. After dinner, I had the bright idea of inviting him to my house to watch a movie. I picked The Change-Up at Redbox...only because of my undying love for Ryan Reynolds.

This is where the two beers came into play. We drank and watched the movie. By the middle of the movie, his arm was around me and his hand was trying to go down my shirt. I stopped him. For several reasons.

1) He has a GIRLFRIEND
2) While, in the past I might not have cared much about reason #1, I have learned recently that if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. And I'm definitely in a period of change in my life.
3) I couldn't stop thinking about Jason.

Now, as cheesy and predictable as that movie was, it still got me thinking. Of course both guys eventually realize that their own lives are pretty awesome and want to return to them. And even when Jason Bateman (in Ryan Reynolds' body) is sitting there with a hot girl on his lap all he can think about is how awesome his family is. Which reminded me of Jason. I was sitting there, with Nelson's arm around me. And all I could think about is how weird it was that it wasn't Jason with his arm around me. And I realized that when Jason had his arm around me, he was likely thinking about how weird it was that I wasn't Angela (his ex wife he was married to for 9 years). I never thought of it that way. And it made me feel so bad for him.

He had a family. He had the life everyone (or at least just me) wants. He was married to his high school love. They have three beautiful, amazing, brilliant, healthy children together. Granted, I know not everything was rainbows and sunshine and there is a very good reason for their divorce. But I know he still thinks about it. And I know it kills him. And when I was with him, I just assumed that he was completely over it. How can anyone be over a 9 year marriage just like that? It's not his fault for the demise of our relationship. Or mine. Or Angela's. It's nobody's. It's life.

Jason and I had the connection that I've only felt two other times in my life. With CJ and with Leon. They are two men who have definitely had quite a hand in shaping the person I am now. It's that unexplainable something. Je ne sais quoi. I knew from the beginning that something was different with him. I know he was brought into my life for a reason. I'm thankful for him. He was a blessing.

Three things Thursday

2012-01-26T23:22:00.000-05:00

Three things about my day:

{1} Well, it's official. I have now lost 20 pounds!! My trainer has put my before and after pic on facebook and it has gotten A LOT of positive responses. Can't wait to keep losing! I was supposed to work out with my trainer this morning but he sent me a text saying he had food poisoning so we had to reschedule. I still went to the gym today though but I was a little disappointed.

{2} I spent the day actually being productive. Oil change, cleaning out my refrigerator, laundry. Boring things. But necessary since my days off have come to an end and I have to go to work tomorrow.

{3} I've been thinking more and more about getting my teaching certification. Elementary education. I will have to take a test before I can get my temporary certification. A test that costs $200...but I think it might be worth it.

5k

2012-01-23T23:16:00.001-05:00

I've been MIA for a few days due to a couple reasons. First, as usual, I worked all weekend. It was horrible and left me exhausted but I made the money I needed to make. Second, my stepdad's dad died and my parents had to fly to Massachusetts for the funeral...so I've had to stay at their house to watch their dogs. I've been doing nothing but driving back and forth from my house (to feed my cat), to work, to the gym, to my mom's house. Keep in mind, each of these is at least 20-45 minutes apart. Ugh. I'm glad they come back tomorrow. I get to sleep in my own bed again!

While here, I decided to take my mom's car for all this driving. I like hers better plus I needed an oil change about 4000 miles ago. I knew she wouldn't mind. But of course, I ended up breaking something. I somehow have broken her 6CD changer. 5 of my CDs are stuck in there. I can't eject them, can't play them. I'm glad that she doesn't really use it to begin with but she's still going to be mad. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can google some possible solutions to this problem before she gets back.

Also, I ended up getting the running shoes I wrote about a couple posts ago. And I love them! I've also decided that the custom Nike's I made will be my present to myself once I reach my goal weight!

In addition to having a goal weight, I've also decided I want to run a 5k. I couldn't even run a single mile less than two years ago. But now I know I can get it done. I started training for that today. Actually, I spent a lot of time in the gym today. I did an hour this morning on the Cybex machine, then 20 minutes running at 5mph on the treadmill. Then went back to the gym this evening with Stephanie did 1300m on the rowing machine and then another 40 min on the treadmill going about 5mph the whole time. I can already tell I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

I put in some extra gym time because I haven't been 100% on my diet lately (due to staying at my mom's house and eating whatever she has here). Also, my weigh in with my trainer is tomorrow. I'm hoping I lost at least another 2 pounds this week. *crosses fingers* We shall see.

Giveaway

2012-01-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

There's one last giveaway of the week over at artsy-fartsy mama for some really awesome stencils! Don't miss out!

Shoes!

2012-01-17T23:42:00.003-05:00

I was slightly nervous about my weigh in this week with my trainer. I skipped the gym on Sunday (I'm supposed to go daily), I had my period all week, I ended up skipping dinner a couple days because of work, and I made those butternut squash fries a couple days ago which had a lot of salt and made me retain a lot of water. But, even with all of that, I still lost 2 pounds! I'm getting closer everyday!

I also went and did a little retail therapy. I thought it was time to reward myself with some new shoes. I really need running shoes. So I went to three different stores before I found a pair I liked:

But alas, they were out of my size. The guy at the store was super nice and offered to help me buy them from the store's website...only to find that they are no longer available online in the color I wanted :-( I did find them online elsewhere when I got home...but I'm planning on going to a different Sports Authority tomorrow to see if I can find them. And, while searching online for shoes, I made my own custom pair at Nike.

Which, of course, I love...but cannot afford right now. But, maybe in a couple months.

Other than shopping, I also went to a hockey game this evening with a friend from work and her bf. I'm happy that I'm getting out of the house and doing things with new people. It's just what I need in my life right now. However, I'm disappointed that I missed the season premiere of White Collar. I'm trying to stay up for another couple hours so I can catch the rerun. Anyone else watch that show? I'm obsessed. Plus, Matt Bomer makes me swoon.

Also, go check out Meg for Mingle ~~Monday~~ Tuesday!

But I know it's about forgiveness

2012-01-15T22:31:00.000-05:00

What a busy weekend! Friday and Saturday I worked two doubles in a row. Barely time for anything else except the gym and boot camp. I haven't even had time to practice my Italian! I only worked a few hours today. And I am thankful and glad to have the next two days off! I need a break. I made over $550 in the past three days. Which was much needed and well deserved.

Tonight I went out with a few people, my personal trainer included, and watched the Packers/Giants game. I have never spent any time with my trainer outside of the gym. This was the first time he was going to see me NOT wearing gym clothes and looking a sweaty mess. I changed at least 4 times. And when I saw him, he complimented me on how trim and skinny I was looking. Yesss! But let me tell you, there was nothing more nerve wracking than having to order food with him looking right at me. Lol. I ended up going with a simple salad with grilled chicken on it. And water. He approved. I'm nervous about my weigh in on Tuesday though. We'll see how it goes.

Also found out that Jason started seeing someone. Which, of course, left me devastated last night when I found out. After getting some sleep, I'm feeling better about the situation. Mostly because I know what's going to happen. AND I'm doing much better without him. I texted him this evening to simply ask for him to give Stephanie the rest of my things when he sees her at work this week. He said no problem and asked how I was doing. I kept the conversation short and responded only with "I'm great. Thanks." He tried to continue the conversation but I responded with one or two word answers until he finally said "ok well I'm glad we had this talk lol :/"

That conversation was very unlike me. I usually go on and on. I'll ask how the cats are or his family or work. Etc. I know he knows I'm immensely disappointed in him. And after a lot of thinking and a lot of facebook stalking and even more thinking, I did something that I didn't think I'd ever have the guts to do. It's so big, it deserves its own line in this blog post.

I defriended him on Facebook

While this isn't a big deal to many, it is a big deal to me. And HE knows it's a big deal to me. I cried immediately after I did it. In fact, I'm crying now. But I know it's for the best. Goodbye is the best way I know to forgive and still be letting go.

This is the song currently making me cry. One of my fav songs by one of my fav artists

I made fries!

2012-01-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. Over Jason. I saw this picture on Pinterest and it immediately reminded me of the kittens Jason and I got together. So, I called him...to catch up and to ask about the cats. The calling him part wasn't so bad. I really haven't called him at all since our breakup. Every time he's been the one to call me. However, he ended up not answering. And not only did he not answer, but it rang twice and went to voicemail...meaning he hit ignore. This, of course, sent me into girly-freakout mode. It also didn't help that my closest friends here were packing to leave for 6 months and were not able to talk to/see me. I eventually calmed down, decided to blame PMS and went to bed. He did end up calling me back today. I purposely didn't answer, he left a message, and then later in the day we had a brief, friendly, texting conversation. I don't want him back...but he still affects me. Tomorrow will make it an entire month since our breakup :(

In less depressing news, I worked out with my trainer today. I really did not want to get out of bed this morning though. In fact, I laid in bed for 25 minutes before I was able to get up. I worked out harder than usual. And after I left the gym, my trainer sent me this photo:

The picture on the left was taken a two days after Thanksgiving. The pic on the right was taken this morning. 15 pounds lighter...and still going strong!

Also tonight, I decided to make these butternut squash fries.

I have never in my life cooked anything with squash in it. I did not realize it was so hard to cut! I hurt my hand from holding the knife so hard. However, I was pretty happy with the results. Next time I'd probably use less oil and salt. It was a little bit heavy on both...but I would definitely make them again. However, butternut squash is kind of high in carbs so I likely won't be making them all that often. But it was another successful adventure in the kitchen!

Off to practice my Italian!

130s

2012-01-10T23:43:00.003-05:00

Today was my weigh-in day with my trainer. He was quite proud of me. Don't get me wrong, I was pretty proud of myself too...but I already knew I lost a lot of weight this week. I kept my cheating to a minimum and didn't skip a single workout. I now have officially lost 15 pounds on this program...and I've officially hit the 130s! I am finally now at the weight I was 2 years ago before I met my ex, Justin. Anything I lose from here on out will make it the skinniest I have ever been. Ever. In my whole life.

via

After training, I sat around for most of the day...messing around on Pinterest (my new favorite thing) and waiting for UPS to arrive. In the middle of my aimless web surfing and facebook stalking, I found one of the cutest pictures of Jason and I from Halloween that I hadn't seen before. It, of course, crushed me. I fought back tears due to the great memories the picture brought up and decided that I needed to get off the computer and out of the house. I picked a few things up from Target and when I came back I was happy to see that UPS had come by while I was gone and dropped off this:

I got started right away. I've already completed some of the units in the first level. I'm pretty excited about this. Completing the first three levels is actually on my 101 in 1001 list. So I'll be glad when I can cross another goal off of there.

Also, as I've stated, Pinterest is my new obsession and I found a recipe for supposedly "the best broccoli ever." Let me just say, the title did not disappoint. It has a little too much olive oil for me to eat it all the time...but it was probably some of the best I've ever had. Definitely worth a try.

via

Looking forward to a nice relaxing day off tomorrow with only a few responsibilities to take care of. Yessss

Dream crusher

2012-01-09T09:32:00.003-05:00

Since I am insane and compulsively check the UPS tracker, I have learned that Rosetta Stone should be here tomorrow! I am excited to get started! I work today but have the next two days off so I should have plenty of time to get into it.

A couple days ago at work, I was going around telling some of my friends about my new plan (to learn Italian and get my TEFL certification). One guy who I don't even like overheard and of course, responded in a negative way.

Me: I got Rosetta Stone and am finally going to learn Italian like I always wanted
Him: They have a terrible economy, you know.
Me: So do we. Then I'm going to get my certification to teach English as a foreign language
Him: And do what? Teach English over there? Everybody there already knows it. They have to take it in school

At that point I just walked away. What an ass. First of all, I took Spanish for probably half my school life and I could not have a conversation with anyone in Spanish if it consists of more than "Hi how are you?" Second, who is this guy to try and make me feel stupid for a having a dream/plan? Ugh. I'm almost ashamed to say, it ruined the rest of my day. I'm doing better now, as soon as I realized not to let one fool ruin everything.

Bloglovin'

2012-01-06T10:10:00.003-05:00

I love when I can track something that I've bought online. I hate when that something is still processing for days and I keep checking it compulsively. In other news, I joined BlogLovin' today!
Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Parliamo Italiano

2012-01-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

It seems that everyone around me is doing big things. Some of my closest friends are literally shipping off next week to fulfill their dreams of performing on a cruise ship. Most of the other friends I've made over the past couple of years have already left to do something or another and are scattered around the country. And what am I doing? The same thing I was doing three years ago when I moved back to Florida.

Why is this? Well, one factor has been grad school. I poured time, money, and energy into trying a program that, as it turned out, was not for me. Other than that, I'm almost ashamed to admit, boys have been an issue. There is a quote from Eat, Pray, Love that reminds me of me in every way.

Moreover, I have boundary issues with men. Or maybe that’s not fair to say. To have issue with boundaries, one must have boundaries in the first place, right? But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time — everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else

I keep putting so much stock in these relationships I've been having. Will, Justin, Jason....I was willing to put my life on hold for all of them. I loaned Will money. Lots of money, over $1000. Nearly half my savings at the time. I did things to help his daughter. I went above and beyond for him all the time. I did everything for Justin too...not only monetarily (my savings was completely cleaned out by the time we were through) but I invested in a future with him. We were living together, cooking together, planning our future together...where we'd get married and live, our children, etc. And that, I thought was enough for me. I was so content. When we broke up, I was devastated, of course. I couldn't even sleep in the bed we shared. For a couple months, the couch was my bed. After that, several possible suitors came and went without much fanfare...I was having a good time being single and didn't really want anything more. Then Jason waltzed in. Turned everything upside down. I fell in love quickly with him, his family, his life. I began to consider how living in Florida forever wouldn't be so bad...even though I never wanted to move back here in the first place. I began to renegotiate my lifelong desire for a child of my own due to the fact that he already had THREE wonderful kids of HIS own. I had visions of them coming to visit for Christmas years down the road...with Jason and I living together, having plenty of space for the kids to play, and all of us hanging out making Christmas cookies and decorating trees and opening presents. Basically this long-winded statement is just to say that I would do anything for love. I know relationships are about compromise but I feel like I'm always compromising on the wrong parts of myself. I've always kind of known that. I've always known that if I really ended up with any of those guys for the long haul, I would be unhappy. Maybe not immediately, but it would happen...because I wasn't doing any of the things that I love.

I'm not the type to make New Years resolutions. So I don't know that I would call it that...especially since I actually started on this over the past month or so. But I'm going to start doing the things that I want to do. For example, I've always wanted to be skinny and healthy...and fit into single digit clothing. That has not been possible since I was a single digit age. So I've been working with an incredible trainer since right after Thanksgiving. And I've lost over 12 pounds in a very short amount of time and am feeling better than ever. When I first started this though, I was with Jason. I cheated on my diet all the time. He actually was my motivation for doing it...so I could look better...for him. Since we've broken up, I work out harder, cheat less, and haven't even touched a drop of alcohol. I'm not blaming him for falling short in the past but I do blame the influence I let him have over me. I'm glad I've let that go.

In addition, I've been thinking a lot about the direction I need to take with my life. So I thought about the things that make me happiest. One of the things that came to mind was traveling and meeting new people. The time I up and moved to Canada was one of the coolest and greatest things I've ever done...so why can't I do it again? Today I took a first step toward that goal. I ordered Rosetta Stone!

For at least the past 5 years I have collected books and vocabulary cards about learning Italian that are now scattered around my room. I've heard Rosetta Stone was worth the money and definitely the best way to learn a new language. And if my trip to France a couple years ago taught me anything, it's that I never again want to be in a country where I don't know the language at all. It was too limiting. So...in 5-7 business days, I will start working on something I've wanted to do for the past several years in hopes of getting somewhere I've wanted to be for half my life.

Questo sarà il mio anno!

(This will be my year)

So emotional lately

2012-01-02T23:05:00.001-05:00

Jason and I saw each other last week during our friend's show. I looked awesome. He couldn't keep his eyes off me the entire night. Our biggest problem came when we added copious amounts of alcohol to our outing. As usual, something happened that made me mad at him. I left angry and in tears. He left too drunk to drive himself home. I sent crazy text messages. He was silent. Which made me even more mad, of course. We both apologized to each other. He actually was the one to call me. At 8am. To say sorry for whatever he did that made me so mad. I still miss him. Everyday. But with each day that passes, I think about how he isn't the man he made himself out to be. The man I thought he was would never put me in this position for so long.

I not only fell in love with him, I fell in love with his whole family and his friends as well. I've never had that with anybody. I don't even have any interest in finding anybody else. When Justin and I broke up earlier in 2011, I went out right away and found a rebound guy. I announced to the world that I was single and was completely open to dating. It's the complete opposite this time. On New Years, there was a really hot guy that I know I could've kissed at midnight. But I had no desire. I ignored him when he tried to talk to me. I couldn't think about anything other than what Jason was doing. I later found out that he did nothing but sit at home with his roommate, cats, and puppy....which made me feel a little better. But still, we should've been together.

An hour and 20 minutes

2011-12-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

That's how long Jason and I talked on the phone this evening. He called me around 9. My heart stopped when I saw his name/facebook picture on my phone. I almost didn't answer....But alas, I cannot ignore him.

Our conversation touched on everything from football, to my faulty brakes, the cats, to his family drama, to Twilight, and of course, Christmas. I even got a few jabs in about how I was still disappointed in him for us ending. Overall, it was a good conversation. Obviously, not exactly what I hoped for. What I hoped for was a long drawn out apology and begging to have me back. What I got was a nice, friendly conversation catching up on the past week and a half of our lives. Neither of us made any mention of seeing each other in the future. However, the lines of communication have now been opened. I won't feel so weird texting or calling him now.

I had planned on texting him tomorrow. In fact, I've been talking about that for like a week now. I was just going to wish him a Merry Christmas and ask how he's been doing. But he beat me to it. I'm glad though...that he was the one to contact me first.

So immediately after talking to him, I had to fill Stephanie in on the whole situation. But since then, I've just been listening to these three songs on repeat:

The difference two months makes

2011-12-19T22:04:00.001-05:00

Well, it happened. I have officially had two failed relationships in the past year. I love Jason still. And it's still a very recent breakup. It happened actually a week from tomorrow. I'm trying to go day by day. The first day, I got drunk with my friends...even though I'm not supposed to have any alcohol on my weight loss plan. The second day I cried alone so loudly that I was sure my neighbors were going to call the cops. Since then it's been touch and go. The toughest thing has been telling my family.

One of the things I was most disappointed in him for was the fact that I know he had been feeling that way for a while. I had sensed it for weeks before we broke up. But I honestly didn't know I was any part of the problem. I knew he had a lot going on in his life between his crazy ex and his children. But I had no idea that he was starting to see me as a burden instead of a source of strength. Yet we still continued our relationship. He knew how huge of a deal it was to me to have him meet my family (nobody I've ever dated has even come close) and yet he claimed he was excited to go.

Yesterday was a bad day with him. It was Sunday. Our football day. We each would make our picks...and then the winner would rub it in the other's face all week. He usually won. I only won once. But I didn't even bother making my picks this week. It was too depressing.

I haven't even spoken to him since the whole breakup. Which is new for me. I usually go crazy. My last relationship (with Justin) was so toxic that when he and I broke up, I would go out of my way to make his life miserable...even though the break up was mutual. But with Jason, it's different. Actually everything with Jason has been different, in a good way...in the best possible way.

I know Jason and I will speak again. He does still have some of my stuff and all. I still care about him immensely. A part of me feels like I'm not entirely done with him yet...I guess only time will tell.

The kids

2011-10-24T11:12:00.001-04:00

Well last week, Jason's kids were in town from Tennessee. This obviously made it difficult to see each other all week. Especially since the kids had no idea who I was. I was incredibly nervous to meet them...for numerous reasons. First off, it is still very early in mine and Jason's relationship to be bringing children around. However, they were here for 10 days and he and I were very careful to keep the affection close to non-existent around them. They probably just think I am a friend of the family's. Second, I feared that they would not like me. Either they would see right through our little facade or they would just plain not enjoy my company. I was especially worried about Anna, the oldest. I have a feeling she knew what was really going on.

My fears quickly subsided as soon as I met them. I met up with Jason as he was getting off from work on Wednesday night. We drove together to pick them up from his mother's house (my first time meeting her as well) to take them back to his place to put them to bed. They were a little tired and half of his family was also there, so it was a little chaotic.

The story of October 1st

2011-10-18T09:07:00.001-04:00

For all intents and purposes, it was just another day. I went to work that night and was in a hurry to get out of there. My friends were playing a show that night at a lovely little beach bar that I like. Joi was originally going to go with me and I was going to stop at home after work to change and pick her up before heading over there. Joi decided not to go, plus I got out of work pretty late so I just went in my work clothes.

I had met Robbie about a week before. He was friends with my friend Stephanie. He was interested in me. He knew I was going to be at the show. He was planning on being in that area already for a friend's birthday party. He was originally going to come over to where I was to catch a little bit of the show and spend some time with me. But he changed his mind. He tried to get me to come over to the spot he was at instead. I declined, the main reason being because I was in my work clothes. I was a little bit disappointed. But not too heartbroken.

For most of the show, I was sitting with Stephanie on one side of me and a girl I had just met on the other, Jackie. Stephanie had also just met Jackie. But Jackie's brother was a co-worker of Steph's who was also in attendance. Jackie was a little drunk by the time I got there but still very nice. She talked about her son, how her brother is too protective, her new tattoo, and she let me know every time they played a song that she loved.

Pretty close to the end of the show, when Jackie was trying to go, I formally met her brother/Steph's co-worker, Jason. I had noticed him earlier in the evening and thought about how he was attractive but not usually my type. When I was introduced to him, I knew immediately that he liked me. To be sure, I whispered in Stephanie's ear, "does he like me?" before I went into the bathroom. She confirmed my suspicions as soon as I came back.

Jason had to drive his sister home, so he had to go. But before he left, he walked up to me with a dollar bill in his hand. He told me he realized how corny it was but that his number was written on this dollar bill and I that I should definitely call him. Stephanie was still sitting next to me at this point. I actually stopped Jason, turned to Steph and asked her if this was really happening. Now, I've been hit on plenty of times but this was definitely a first. And definitely memorable. So memorable that I ended up tweeting about it later in the evening.

October 1st was a Saturday. I knew that Stephanie was going to see Jason at work on Monday. I also knew that I had no plans to call him. He was a little drunk, we were at a bar, and if he wanted to see me again, he would find a way. I told Steph that if he asked about me at work, I gave her permission to give him MY number. Two weeks ago today he messaged me on Facebook.

Honestly, I've never felt like this before. I knew immediately upon talking to him that this is something real. Obviously, I know we have a lot to learn about each other still. But it's so right. It's so easy. I don't have to force anything. This is it. Just wait and see.

Back

2011-09-22T12:09:00.000-04:00

It's funny. It seems like whenever I should be blogging, whenever I would really need a place to let out all my feeling/frustrations/etc, is when I don't actually do it. My last post was about my breakup with Justin that happened so ridiculously long ago now, it doesn't even matter much anymore. Yeah, I still think about him, but it's not the same.

My assault, saying goodbye to the man that helped me get over Justin, my birthday trip to New Orleans, one best friend leaving my life forever, and another best friend moving in with me have become the main focus of my life over the past several months.

As always, my life is never ending craziness, drama, and fun. Now, it's off to the gym for (hopefully) a nice long workout session. Due to multiple vacations in August, I'm still working on losing my "Justin 15"...the 15 pounds I gained while I was in a relationship with him.

This is love

2011-02-21T21:44:00.007-05:00

It's been a week and a half without a blog post. Why? I wish I had a reason. I haven't even been doing much. I've been occupying my time with friends, watching copious amounts of Sex and the City, and aimlessly wandering the internet (Stumbleupon is one of my new favorite things). In a way, I feel like I've been intentionally avoiding posting here. Going through this breakup has been hard and I've been trying to not think about it. However, maybe I should face this head on. Maybe I should write about all the torment and the loneliness. Maybe I should write about the times I miss and the times I'm glad will never happen again. Maybe I should talk about all the things I get to do now and the new people I get to talk to. So I'm going to make more of an effort to do this.

While I was stumbling yesterday, I came across this wonderful article about love. It makes me wish I had written it. I also found this quote today which made me laugh:

When you date someone, it's like you're taking a class in them and when you break up, it's like all that knowledge is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree - How I Met Your Mother

Day 4: All You Need Is Love

2011-02-10T09:44:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm going to do Day 4 of the blog challenge before I'm gone all day and then subsequently forget about it this evening. lol

Day (4): For Valentine's Day I {LOVE} To Bake/Cook/etc...

Ok, well this Valentine's Day I wasn't going to bake anything at all due to the fact that Justin doesn't eat sweets (I know, it was an issue in our relationship). BUT, now that I am single, I might make this recipe. I found it on Hungry-Girl. I love that their recipes have the weight watchers points value and every one I've ever made so far was delicious. But I've found this one and it looks super good!

Dreamy Peanut Butter Chocolate Ravioli Puffs2 Mousse Temptations by Jell-O snack cups, Dark Chocolate Decadence or Chocolate Indulgence
2 tbsp. reduced-fat creamy peanut butter, room temperature
16 small square wonton wrappers (often stocked near the tofu in the fridge section of the market)
1/4 cup Fat Free Reddi-wip, divided
Optional: powdered sugar

To make the filling, gently swirl together mousse and peanut butter in a bowl -- don't over-stir, but make sure PB is evenly distributed. Set aside.

Set out a wide plastic container (or a few mid-sized ones), and make sure you've got room in your freezer.

Lay two wonton wrappers flat on a clean, dry surface. Spoon a little less than 1 tbsp. filling into the center of each wrapper. Moisten all four edges of each wrapper by dabbing your fingers in water and going over the edges smoothly. Fold the bottom left corner of each wrapper to meet the top right corner, forming a triangle and enclosing the filling. Using your fingers or the prongs of a fork, press firmly on the edges to seal.

Repeat with all remaining wrappers and filling, placing each raviolo flat in the container(s). (Yup, that's really the singular form of "ravioli!") Freeze for 1 hour.

Bring a large skillet sprayed with nonstick spray to medium heat. Working in batches, place frozen ravioli flat in the skillet, evenly spaced, and cook for 2 - 3 minutes, until slightly puffy. Flip carefully and cook for an additional 1 - 2 minutes (no longer). Don't flip them again, as the filling may ooze out!

Allow to cool slightly. If you like, sprinkle with a small amount of powdered sugar. Then top each serving with a tbsp. of Reddi-wip and enjoy!

Each serving (4 puffs) is only 4 Weight Watchers points. It sounds like the perfect little snack! Chocolate and peanut butter together are the most delicious combination.

I can't wait to read everyone else's recipes!

My house is so empty

2011-02-10T00:19:00.003-05:00

Well, my last couple posts have been for the All You Need Is Love blog challenge. But there has been a lot going on in my head and in my life.

I miss Justin. I mean, I knew that was going to happen. You don't spend every waking moment with someone and think it's completely normal once they vanish. We have spoken briefly, but nothing like it used to be (obviously). I just miss his presence. I used to wake up every morning and have at least a few hours to myself before he would get up and join me in the living room. Now when I wake up, I'm sad that he's not even in the same house anymore. When I get home from work or when I have a day off, I don't sit around waiting for him. I always had a feeling of anticipation of when he would come home. I would be excited by the idea of spending the evening with him.

Granted, I know this is for the best. I am happier in a lot of ways. Just in the past few days I've had more of a social life than I've had in six months. Tomorrow night makes it an entire week since the breakup. Crazy.

I went to P.F. Changs a few days ago with my friend, Joi. We had some wine, lettuce wraps, and much needed girl talk. I was really excited when I got this in my fortune cookie..

As for other stuff, I have a huge 45 presentation tomorrow that's worth like 1/5 of my grade. I'm nervous, as always. I hate giving presentations. Hopefully it goes well.

I saw my friend Dorian a few nights ago. He's been my rebound guy twice. He is a really nice guy and there's no denying our passion together but the timing has always been off for us some how. I went to spend time with him. I just wanted to hang out with someone. All we did was play Black Ops. He tried to make a move on me. I was not ready at all. I ended up leaving shortly after that.

Tomorrow night, after my presentation, I'm supposed to karaoke with some old friends from high school, including my best friend. I hope it happens. I will need it after my presentation....

Days 2 and 3

2011-02-09T23:43:00.003-05:00

Ok. Well, of course, I've fallen a day behind. So I'm covering Day 2 and 3 of the All You Need is Love challenge.

Day (2) When I'm feeling down, to cheer myself up I {LOVE} to...

Well, I usually start by calling my friends. Nobody can cheer me up the way they can.

If they are all unavailable for some reason, I do like to shop. I prefer to shop for things for my house as shopping for clothes can sometimes bring up unwanted emotions. But if I'm feeling particularly down, a trip to Ikea will always lift my spirits.

And, of course, CHOCOLATE is always a good remedy for any troubles
Now! On to Day (3): If I could travel anywhere this snowy February, I would {LOVE} to go...

Well, lucky for me, I live in sunny Florida. Snow is nowhere in sight and I didn't even wear a jacket today. In fact this picture of me was just taken a few days ago...
But, if I were to choose some place to go, it would be a place I've never been. And a place that is somewhat warm this time of year... Sydney, Australia!

I want to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, learn how to surf, and go snorkeling!

New Blog Challenge!

2011-02-08T02:39:00.004-05:00

Well, it is February after all. I've decided to participate in the "All you need is love" challenge.

Day (1): When I need some me time I {LOVE} to...

Seeing as I'm newly single, this is something I'm looking forward to enjoying more. One of my favorite things is getting to watch Netflix. I could literally watch that everyday. I love that I can watch everything from Reno 911 to Pay It Forward to Paranormal Activity.

Really I just like hanging out on the couch. Whether that entails reading a book, writing a blog entry, or just surfing the net it doesn't matter.

Go on over to Chronicles of Neely to join in!

Justin

2011-02-05T10:21:00.002-05:00

Well it happened. And it happened fast.

Thursday began well. Justin and I woke up and went to brunch together. The cashier at the restaurant commented on how we were such a lovely couple. Then we decided to go buy a tv. Target had a 40" on sale for $379. However they were out of them so we were a little disappointed. After that I went to class. That's when things took a turn.

He texted me as I was getting out of class asking if it was ok to go out with his friend Emily for a drink after work. The only problem I had with this situation is that he tries to start World War 3 every time a guy even speaks to me. I told him this, he got mad, and then decided to hang out with some other people instead before I could come pick him up. He decided to go to this bar/pool hall. It was ladies night (meaning: free drinks) so by the time I got there, I wanted a drink to two also. We stayed, had a good time, played some free darts (I won three times) and then went home around 1-ish.

Once we got home, we both exploded. I'm not sure how it even got to that point but we ended up yelling at each other over things from our past and how that's why we don't trust each other. We both said we were done with the relationship. He slept on the couch.

In the morning, he woke me up around 9. We talked for a while, calmly. He said he thinks we're holding each other back from the things we each want to do. I agreed. We decided to take a little time apart. I told him that I didn't want to break up...but I knew it was probably what is best for us. He packed up a few essentials (i.e. his toothbrush, work clothes, and playstation) and I drove him to his house.

I felt pretty good about my decision at first. I felt a little freer and began thinking about all the things I could do now. Then the loneliness set in....and the fact that now I have to return to an empty house every night again (at least he has roommates)...and the fact that I'm back at square one. It took a while to reach the level of comfort I have with him and starting that over with someone else is terrifying to me.

I know I can get someone else (in fact I've already been propositioned for a date on Sunday) but this whole breakup is life-changing for me. True, Justin and I have broken up before. Once, about 9 months ago. We were separated for about three months. But even during that breakup, I was still obsessed with him. I would go out of my way to make his life miserable. I would purposely date other people just because I knew he would find out. I never actually let go. This time, I want to.

It helps that I have the greatest friends in the world. My phone has been ringing nonstop and people have been texting me saying how much they love me and that they're there if I need them. They are helping me fill up my schedule fast so I'm not sitting around just thinking about everything.

I haven't spoken to him really since this all happened. It's been about 24 hours now. We will see how things progress...but for the most part I'm feeling pretty good.

Aloha, February!

2011-02-01T20:51:00.002-05:00

Happy February! I'm hoping that this month is as exciting as I think it will be. Between a big school presentation, Justin's birthday, and Valentine's Day, I bet it will be. I can't believe January came and went already...but I guess I say that every month.

My mother is currently in Hawaii (I know, I'm jealous). Which means I am writing this from her house because someone needs to take care of her dog. Luckily, she is coming back tomorrow so I will be at my own house in the evening.

Justin is staying here with me while she is gone so I'm not all alone. He decided to bring his PS3 with him because my mother has a really nice flat screen (though I also suspect a slight video game addiction might be another reason as well). The first night we were here he was unplugging all kinds of wires trying to get the Playstation to work. He was working on this for at least 30 minutes (no exaggeration). I was cooking dinner during this whole endeavor so I was not helping him...plus I told him that I'm not really that good with technology and there were too many wires to deal with. Eventually he got it where there was video but in black and white and there was no sound. At this point I decided to stop what I was doing to help him. I walked up to the TV and said "what's this thing?" and plugged all the wires into a strip on the side of the tv and had it working perfectly in under 5 seconds. Honestly, I'm really not sure what he would do without me.

Now, it's off to do some schoolwork and play some Grand Theft Auto before I have to go to work tonight.

Two hour drive

2011-01-28T21:58:00.006-05:00

You know those days where you're just alive, but not really living? You wake up and wonder when the day will be over. Every so often I get stuck in a little rut. It kind of just creeps up on me. But that is what has happened over the past week. Some of this can be attributed to the fact that Justin and I traded in some old games we never play and as a result I am now the proud new owner of Grand Theft Auto IV for our PS3.

This was always one of my favorite games but I've never had anything except Nintendo systems my whole life (and GTA is not available for it). So now, I play it far too often. Between the two of us, the PS3 is probably on 85% of the day. I'm either playing GTA or he's playing Call of Duty.

Anyway, school is going ok although I was not able to attend yesterday. Due to traffic. Seriously. I left at my usual time. My school is two hours away. As class was starting, I was stuck in traffic with at least another 30 minutes to go (assuming there was no more traffic). I could've walked in late but in my opinion, that's well past a reasonably acceptable time. I sent the professor an email and I'm sure all will well but it's just frustrating to have made it so close yet I still ended up turning around and coming back home.

This led me to thinking about transferring schools. There is a school much closer to my house (45 minutes, instead of 2 hours) which offers the same program. The thing is, I love my classes. I love my professors. It's just...I don't want to move to Orlando (for multiple reasons). And I'm not sure if it's worth going through all the trouble of transferring at this point. Not including this semester, I only have another three semesters to go (if I go full time). Plus the whole process of applying for grad school is frustrating and time consuming. However, I just hate the drive. It's awful...especially with my lack of a functioning CD player in my car.

Now, onto something I've been struggling with lately: my relationship. I feel like Justin and I are getting to the point where we either need to break up now or we're going to be together for a very long time. This fact alone is stressing me out. I love him. I do. But sometimes I feel like he's just going to wake up one day and say we need time apart. He did that to me once. We were split up for three horrible months and we both turned into people we never thought the other could become. I realized that a few days ago I was literally picking a fight with him over nothing at all. I don't even remember what it was about to be honest. I think the reason I'm doing this is because my fears and insecurities about our past are always in the back of my head. But is that enough of a reason to push him away? Probably not.

At least I could brush my teeth

2011-01-20T17:29:00.000-05:00

I love those days when it feels like everything might actually come together. Whether or not that actually happens is something else all together. But for the past couple of days, everything is looking up. Justin got a new phone yesterday. He's with MetroPCS and finally has the money for the first time in his life to get a kick ass phone...so he did. This prompted me to look into also getting Metro. I'm on a family plan with my grandmother on AT&T where we continue to pay $140+/month even though Justin pays $50 and gets all the same features, if not more. So I looked into canceling my contract which isn't up until October. Being the nerd that I am, I wanted to convince my grandmother that this would be an ideal switch using math to prove my point: Between now and October when the contract is up, we would spend a total of about $1,260 (probably more) if we stayed with AT&T. If we switched to Metro, between now and October we would spend $765. Even with the $95 early termination fee and the $99 phone that I would want (which is the same as Justin's), that is still a savings of $301 in just 9 months!

Today is supposed to be my second day of class. However, since I am writing this post, I am clearly not there. This is due to the fact that my books for the class did not arrive until approximately 45 minutes ago. I didn't have any assignments due necessarily but I was supposed to read three chapters in each of the two books and would be expected to participate in class during discussions. I probably could've faked my way through it but figured it would be better if I just caught up this week instead and came prepared for class next week. I'm sure I'll be fine. I managed straight A's in my three classes last semester and still don't have a clue how that worked out.

On the crappy side of things, I have no water. For some reason my water has been out all day. I guess they are working on something but this means no shower, no laundry, no flushing toilets and possibly some difficulty cooking dinner. Luckily I recently filled my Brita filter so I was able to brush my teeth. They say it's supposed to be on sometime tonight. It better be. I can't go another day like this.

"A guy who makes a nice chair doesn't owe money to everyone who has ever built a chair"

2011-01-18T19:41:00.000-05:00

So I officially started my second semester of grad school last Thursday! The professor is great and I can't wait to get my books in the mail so I can start on my assignments (seriously). The class is about the development of a college student throughout their college career. In order to be able to help students, we must be able to understand them, and in order to best understand them it is imperative that we understand ourselves. So one of our first activities was an abbreviated Keirsey personality test which gave me the result of an ISFP (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving). I am also proud to say that I was the only one in the class.

Work is going terribly. Everyday that I work my soul just feels...drained. But I need to work to afford such luxuries as my car and food. I applied for a job today. I need something new. I need something that doesn't involve a restaurant! I can't stand it any longer. I'm better than that job.

In other news, I'm mildly freaking out. The job that I applied for is at the college my ex-boyfriend, Taylor, graduated from. So I went onto Facebook with the intent of sending him a message regarding my future employment there just in case he still talks to people from there. However, when I went to search for him, it became apparent that he unadded me! Now, Taylor and I dated for a brief 3 or 4 months back in 2008/early 2009. After our breakup we continued being actual friends. We would hang out. Go to movies or dinner together. We never crossed the friendship boundary after the breakup. We talked every week or so just to check in. Last summer he moved to New York for med school at NYU. I was excited for him. He was excited for me to start grad school. We talked a few times during the semester but I was shocked. I've always been the girl who managed to stay friends with nearly all my ex's. I was talking to Ray tonight about it (one of my sort-of ex's) and he said this is one of those things to put into the "WTF column" and move on.

Also, related to Facebook, I finally saw The Social Network.

Justin didn't like it but I did. I think that has mostly to do with the fact that Justin could go months without checking facebook and I can't even go a few waking hours. Facebook has been a part of my life since 2005...before the photos, before the tagging, before the status updates, before they dropped the 'the,' and even before individual wall posts. Crazy.

Good luck everyone. Riding Miss Gutterball to the finals

2011-01-13T11:00:00.007-05:00

Most days that Justin and I both work the evening will go like this:

Work till 10 or 11pm
I drive to pick him up
We go to my house
Watch a movie
Fall asleep during movie

Last night, however, we got to do something fun after work! Bowling!So me, Justin and his co-worker left for the bowling alley for $10 unlimited bowling till midnight. Now, unless we're talking about Wii bowling, I am not a strong bowler by any means. In fact, I lost all three games with my best score being 78, I believe. But it was still fun and something that we never really get to do. It also gave Justin and I an excuse to quote The Break-Up (the first movie we ever watched together & one of our favorites) all night too.

The Break-Up - Gary Arrives For Couples Bowling | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

And, today is a big day. It's my first day of the second semester of grad school. However, due to financials and the fact that I'm perpetually undecided about everything, I'm only taking one class. I was supposed to take it with my favorite professor however it was announced over Christmas break that she took another job and moved to Kentucky, leaving the responsibility of this class in the hands of a woman I've never met. Class isn't until tonight so we will see how it goes. Wish me luck!

No sleep

2011-01-11T12:16:00.005-05:00

Yay for two days off in a row! However, I had planned on sleeping in today, but unfortunately that didn't happen...due to the creatures that share the bed with me. Now, I have a full size bed which is in the corner of my room...meaning one side is up against the wall. Justin basically spends every night here and I usually end up on the "inside" side of the bed...which I typically don't mind. I also have a cat , Mittens, who frequently enjoys curling up next to or on my legs as I sleep. This makes it an issue when I try to move my legs while I'm sleeping. Not only is she heavy and difficult to move but whenever I move she usually mistakes that for playtime and proceeds to then jump on my legs as they move underneath the covers. Now, Justin is usually a cuddler which I definitely hate when I'm trying to sleep. He also had a few too many beers and when he gets that way he likes to be thisclose to me in bed. I have made this to show you a little more clearly what I'm talking about.
Needless to say, between me hitting the wall about 10 times during the night, Justin practically sleeping on top of me (which at one point caused my arm to go so numb that I was sure it had lost all circulation and was in danger of falling off), and the cat thinking every movement meant it was time to play, I didn't get to sleep at all.

Also, yesterday was Mingle Monday over at Life of Meg! It was my first time participating and I found a couple great new blogs. Can't wait to do it again next week!

Now, off to finish watching Book of Eli. I got it at the redbox a few days ago...on Bluray...meaning this movie has already cost me too much money. Lol.

A new book and sexual alligators

2011-01-11T00:36:00.006-05:00

So I've been looking for a new book to read. I'm quite picky when it comes to books. I'm terrified of picking a bad one. It's such a serious commitment for me. There have been too many times when I get 1/3 of the way through a book and then never pick it up again because it's not as good as the critics or jacket summary have promised me. So today I found myself perusing the aisles of Target and stopped in the book aisle and picked up The Late, Lamented Molly Max. From reading the back, it reminded me of Lovely Bones (which I loved). I'm about 40 pages in so far and it seems like a good one. Anyone else read it?

In other news, I took my cat, Mittens, to my mom's house to get her nails clipped. It was very necessary and Mittens hated every moment of it. From getting her into the carrier, to the 35 minute drive that she spent every moment of meowing, to the struggle of the actual nail clipping (which, by the howling she was doing, you would've thought her feet were getting chopped off), and the ride back home which she spent every moment of asleep...I felt like I had a small child with me all day. Lord help me on the day when I actually DO have a small child with me. Lol.

Also, last night Justin and I had a pretty good time after we both got off of work. We ended up at Applebees and we found out it was service industry night (meaning: lots of specials). I had a decently healthy meal which fit in well with my Weight Watchers points. In fact, with my leftover points, I used them up on a couple rounds of wine...and a sexual alligator ;-)

Right now, I'm sitting next to Justin while he's playing zombies on Black Ops and drinking way too many beers, which is pissing me off. I hate it when he gets like this. It makes me doubt our relationship and the likelihood of a future together sometimes. *sigh* Perhaps I should just go to bed...

Raindrops

2011-01-08T22:28:00.003-05:00

I am obsessed with this. I've been playing this melody I made for about 20 minutes now.

Double points

2011-01-08T19:01:00.005-05:00

Justin got a really good deal on a Playstation 3 the other day. $180 for the system, controller, headset, and three games (one of which includes Call of Duty: Black Ops). If we had bought all of them new it would've been several hundred dollars. He was quite excited....even though I already have a Wii. The only problem now is that I can't get him off of there. He's always playing multiplayer and Nazi Zombies and talking to guys "on his team" over the headset. Sometimes I just look at him when he's playing and wonder where this nerdy gamer came from.

But, in all seriousness, I can't believe how much I like to play the game too. And, now that Justin is making more money, his next goal is to save up for a flat screen for my house. This is the one we are looking at. It's 40" and $400. I'm willing to bet we will have it within the next few weeks. I'm glad he's finally making more money...it takes a lot of strain off of our relationship.

Also, I've lost two pounds since starting Weight Watchers. Hooray for small victories!

Daily dose of inspiration:

The Justin 15

2011-01-06T21:45:00.004-05:00

I've had EA Active for my Wii ever since I bought my Wii a couple years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure I bought that and MarioKart on the same day I bought my Wii. I stopped working out with it when it became too easy. Also, I was doing the exercises on the hardest settings and never felt any results. Now, over the past few months, I've put on what I like to call the "Justin 15." Justin and I have been eating out a lot and eating and drinking wayyyy too much which has resulted in a ridiculous weight gain. I am determined to drop these pounds (and hopefully more) and have again signed up for Weight Watchers. It worked very well for me the first time...I'm hoping it does the second go-round as well. Day 1 went horribly but Day 2 is almost done and went well. The whole reason I bring up EA Active is because I did the hard 30-minute workout for my exercise today and was getting winded! I was shocked at how out of shape I've become. Hopefully within three months I can get rid of this extra weight.

In other news, I can't believe it's been over a year since I started my 101 in 1001 challenge. Some of this stuff I need to get working on! I need to look over my list and update a few items and maybe get rid of some that I'm no longer interested in.

In other news, I'm trying to get back into the blogging regularly thing.

Year End Survey

2011-01-05T20:24:00.004-05:00

Before every New Year's I look back at the past year and I answer these questions. Better late than never I suppose.
1) What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Went to Key West, went to Paris, got fired, started graduate school, started dating someone again who I said I never would, said "I love you"

2) What was your greatest musical discovery?
30 Seconds to Mars...and I rediscovered and fell in love with Lil Wayne.

3) What countries did you visit?
France! And Belgium! :)

4) Where were you when 2010 began and who were you with?
I was wasted at a bar. Justin and I had our first kiss that night. It's before we really knew anything about each other. Oh how far we've come.

5) What was the best book you read?
Book? All I read now are school books.

6) What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
8/8...not only was it Will's birthday but it is the day that Justin and I got fired. Crazy/terrible times...but I'm glad I don't work there anymore.

7) Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not really actually...other than my hurt ankle during Christmas season from my work shoes.

8) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't know that I really had a resolution. My only one for this year is to lose weight (sounds typical, I know)

9) What was the best thing you bought?
A bottle of Dom Perignon from where they make it in France.

10) Did you breakup with anyone in 201o?
Yes. And then got back together with him.

11) How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?
I spent the day at my aunt's house with my family having brunch...then met up with Justin and his roommates and had dinner with them. It was peaceful.

12) Who was the best new person you met?
Hmm...new person...maybe my friend Erin from grad school. We aren't really that close though. I mainly stuck to the old friends.

13) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26 (eek)! And I didn't really do much. I went to dinner with 4 of my closest friends to P.F. Changs...and then went out for a drink after that. Then went home and slept like the old lady I'm becoming.

14) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I'm anti-pants...same as every year.

15) What did you want and get?
To get into grad school at UCF
Good grades
Love

16) What did you want and not get?
A "real" job

17) Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Happier! Much happier.
thinner or fatter? Ugh, fatter. Which is why I re-joined Weight Watchers today..
richer or poorer? Poorer. But most of that is cause Justin and I like to go out and do fun things a lot.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Saved money.

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drink.

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2010?
I think it might just be Florida. And I know I was at the airport in North Carolina. But that really might be it this year.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2010?
Yes. Nobody died but I lost someone and then found them again.

22) Who did you miss?
Joi. She lives too far. Also, her little nephew. I love him!

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2010?
Toy Story 3...and Despicable Me...and Inception.

24) Did anything surprise you this year?
How forgiving I can be.

25) What was your most memorable concert in 2010?
Around my birthday I went and saw Brad Paisley...from what I remember, it was awesome!

26) What kept you sane?
My cat.

27) How many people did you kiss in 2010?
4 I think

28) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
People change.

29) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ryan Reynolds. Yummy

30) Your favorite TV program of 2010?
The Office...and Modern Family

31) Did you get your heart broken in 2010?
Yes. 3 or 4 months of the year were awful for me.

32) Where did most of your money go?
Food. The answer is always food.

33) What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A job that doesn't require nonslip shoes.

34) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.

35) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2010 and change it what would it be?
A horrible drunken night with Justin when I had a few other people over too. It changed our lives forever.

36) What are your plans for 2011?
Save up for my own place. Move in with Justin. Lose 30 pounds.

37) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It doesn't sum up my year but it reminds me of the year for oh so many reasons.
"I wanna be beside her when she sleep and she lay
Or we can stay awake and watch the next day
Clothes are overrated, panties are debated
Einstein..her head is the greatest" -Lil Wayne

My List

2009-09-28T12:30:00.001-04:00

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past – frequently simple goals such as New Year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.

3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.

4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.

5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

Start: 1 October 2009
Finish: 28 June 2012

Adventure

1. Go to New York City
2. Go to Paris
3. Go on a cruise
4. Put my feet in the Pacific ocean
5. Go Parasailing
6. Go sailing
7. Go snorkeling and/or scuba diving
8. Go to Key West
9. Visit Canada (again)
10. Go horseback riding
11. Visit three different countries
12. Go canoeing
13. See a game at Wrigley Field
14. Ride Montu at Busch Gardens at night
15. Move back to Nashville, TN

Education

1. Read 50 books
2. Receive my Masters in Education
3. Don’t get anything below a B in grad school
4. Receive an assistantship
5. Learn how to drive a stick shift
6. Complete Levels 1,2 &3 of Rosetta Stone French

Health/Wellness/Bettering my life

1. Run a mile
2. Take a multivitamin everyday for at least 6 months
3. Complete the Wii Active 30 day challenge in 30 days
4. Floss once a day for a month
5. Go one month without drinking alcohol
6. Don’t eat fast food for six months
7. Fit into size 6 jeans
8. Don’t drink any soda for a month
9. Go to the dentist
10. Try yoga
11. Be abstinent…unless I’m in love.
12. Get a pedicure
13. Get a professional massage
14. Do a split
15. Spend one day a month without using the internet
16. Give up Facebook for seven straight days
17. Turn off my cell phone for 48 hours
18. Get rid of 50 things that I don’t need
19. Open a savings account

Food/Drink

1. Try octopus
2. Make a new recipe once a month
3. Try twenty new wines
4. Make smores
5. Drink with my mother

Creative

1. Write something everyday for one month
2. Reach 1500 tweets on twitter
3. Write in a journal about each item I complete from the list
4. Participate in NaNoWriMo
5. Make a list of 100 things that make me happy
6. Finish a 26 Things photo project
7. Collect 101 quotes that inspire me
8. Write a letter to myself to be opened on June 28, 2012
9. Take a photo of myself everyday for a month
10. Take a photo of something other than myself everyday for a month
11. Get 100 digital photos printed
12. Send a postcard to Postsecret

Entertainment

1. Watch 26 movies I’ve never seen starting with each letter of the alphabet
2. Go to the movie theatre once per month
3. Subscribe to a magazine
4. Buy Aladdin on DVD
5. Own every Harry Potter movie
6. Watch a movie in 3-D
7. Own every season of The Office

For others

1. Get my mother flowers for no reason
2. Get my grandmother flowers for no reason
3. Pick 5 people who have changed my life and write them a letter (sending is optional)
4. Adopt an Angel from the Angel Tree every Christmas
5. Leave 15 notes for Operation Beautiful
6. Walk/run for a good cause once a year
7. Send 30 cards in the mail (birthday/Christmas/just because/etc)
8. Donate blood
9. Make a gift for someone (food doesn’t count)

Fun and games

1. Go to a minor league baseball game
2. Attend an NFL game
3. Go to the batting cages
4. Win a game of chess
5. Play soccer
6. Attend a dance class of some kind
7. Colour an entire colouring book
8. Sing karaoke
9. Go to a play
10. Try playing golf (not mini golf)
11. Play The Sims 3
12. Go to a comedy club
13. Dress up for at least one Halloween
14. Get 1st place on every level of MarioKart Wii
15. Throw a party
16. Buy a lottery ticket once a month
17. Take $50 to the casino

Little Things

1. Delete my myspace
2. Hold a tarantula
3. Get a fish
4. Buy five new pairs of shoes (that aren’t flip flops)
5. Watch 10 sunsets on the beach
6. Watch a sunrise
7. Win something
8. Paint my living room wall
9. Buy something pretty from Victoria’s Secret
10. Sit on a roof
11. Sit by a fire

I am not a dancer

2008-12-31T00:42:00.005-05:00

I'm frustrated with Circuit City for not having what I want in stock.

I've had the keys to Taylor's apartment for a week now while he was out of town. And I didn't go snooping around at all. Yes, this is big news.

I may be getting health insurance again in a few weeks! The state of Florida is trying to make healthcare affordable starting on January 5th. Finally!

I may be going swing dancing on New Years Eve. Yes, you read that correctly. Swing. Dancing. I'm not terribly excited about it...and I'm trying to come up with a suitable alternative so I don't have to do it. Maybe I can fake a sprained ankle?

I feel as if I've been eating nonstop since Thanksgiving. That can't be good.

So, for being my first entry in over a month you would've thought I would've been more entertaining and/or thought-provoking. Oh well. Happy New Year!

Decisions, decisions...

2008-11-22T21:42:00.003-05:00

Well, my posts have become few and far between. I am considering not continuing with this blog any longer. We shall see.

I think I may have come to a decision about my future. Instead of thinking about what would make other people the happiest, I sat down and thought about what would make me happy. And it actually feels right. Whatever is meant to happen will always find a way.

Also, I'm obsessed with Jason Mraz.

And, I'm very blessed to be surrounded by people that care about me :-D

2008-11-16T23:58:00.001-05:00

I'm astonished by how much I miss him. It never goes away. Part of me is missing and I'll never get it back.

There are a thousand things I would've done differently.

Boys. Always boys.

2008-11-11T21:42:00.004-05:00

Boy 1- Taylor
We reached a decision...which I had to make. We have decided to be friends. Actual friends. Friends who still hang out together and do things. Things that don't include sex. Seriously. We'll probably see each other this weekend. The reasons for our separation were ridiculous. He doesn't think he deserves me. I'm too awesome. Really. Oh well. Nothing I can do.

Boy 2- Ray
He's returning to Canada in August! He's helped me through a lot over the past few days. It was last year a couple days after Christmas time when Ray and I first started talking. I cannot believe it's been a whole year already (well, almost).

Boy 3- Leon
I just realized about ten minutes ago that he and I haven't had any contact in nearly six months. Half a year. Wow. I never thought I'd see the day.

Boy 4- Travis
I feel bad.

2008-11-09T04:59:00.002-05:00

I am mad, confused, and regretting so many things right now.

It's been cold here.

2008-10-30T18:44:00.003-04:00

I have an interview on Tuesday. Clearly this is good news...however, I'm not excited about it at all and barely even care. Over the past months (many, many months) I've had great interviews, not-so-great interviews, second interviews, interviews where I was even told that I was the top choice. I've been unprepared, a little prepared and even over prepared. I've been grossly overqualified for many of these positions and occasionally I've been perfectly qualified. I've been on interviews for jobs that I've really wanted, jobs I could've dealt with, and jobs that I found appalling. But in the end, none of it seemed to matter. And I still sit here...unemployed.

Of course

2008-10-27T12:07:00.002-04:00

I've been alive for over 24 years. And in those 24 years, I've maybe gone to the doctor an average of once a year. I went a lot when I was younger...for vaccinations and such but I never went when I was older unless I really thought I was on my death bed. And now for some reason, at this point in my life, I need to go to the doctor more than ever. Things keep going wrong with me. And for the first time in my life, I am without insurance. Figures.

My phone has stopped ringing

2008-10-25T13:42:00.007-04:00

Clara sent me a link to an article about a guy who had 700+ facebook friends. He decided to throw a party and invite them all. One person showed up. One. While I don't have that many facebook friends, I still feel like that's exactly what would happen to me. My friends seemed to have just up and disappeared. I want to know what's happening with them. But they all seem to be too busy for me these days and my phone calls and texts are never returned.

I'm really impressed with Taylor. He makes me smile. There was one thing that I was really apprehensive about...but, of all people, Ray was the one who talked me through it. Taylor is exactly what I need right now and for that, I am grateful. I never expected this.

We stayed awake till the sun came up

2008-10-19T01:18:00.004-04:00

Ray may not return to North America. And tonight, for the first time, we actually talked about this. He still has a few more months to make his decision. Clearly we all know what I want him to decide. But who knows. I just have to trust that it'll all work out. It always does.

Another thing Ray and I talked about was how I feel like I'll never be in love with anybody. Taylor, my new guy, seems to be perfect on paper. He's in grad school, on his way to attending med school to become a doctor. He's financially secure. He volunteers at a hospital. He lives in a nice condo on the water. He doesn't have a problem with commitment. He and I get along pretty well. We actually have several things in common. He, so far, is treating me like a queen. All of these things, most people would kill to have. And yet, I feel like something is missing. I'm afraid I'm too picky sometimes. Maybe my standards are too high? I'm afraid to hold on. I'm afraid to let go. What's a girl to do? Ray told me not to give up so quickly. We'll see what happens. He's a really nice guy.

The Nanny is on.

2008-10-16T01:50:00.004-04:00

I'm basically updating this just for Grace to have something to read at work....

Anyway, I was just sitting here thinking about a lot of the people in my life...particularly the ones that I've known for many years. The ones that I've gotten to know extremely well. And I was thinking about how they're all at different places in their lives than when I first met them...emotionally and/or geographically. And yet, some things never change. Some of us keep coming across the same problems in our lives.

Myself, an ex-boyfriend, and an ex-roommate have made me analyze this. All three of us claim to know what we want. And I'm not sure about the other two but I know how I need to go about getting it. I know exactly what I shouldn't do. And yet, when a new opportunity arises and I have another chance to get it right, I completely blow it. I do exactly what I know I shouldn't be doing. I know that it's only going to lead down the same roads I've already been down. And yet, I do it anyway. Why is this?

And (a few will know what this is about) on a related note, I knew what was going to happen with that aforementioned ex-boyfriend. He is an easy one to figure out. And you know, you would've thought I would be happy about it. But while I do find it interesting, I'm not particularly enjoying it.

Mmmbop!

2008-10-12T17:20:00.003-04:00

Thursday was by far the best Hanson related experience I've ever had. Most people know the problems I've had with them in the past. However, I was incredibly disappointed when we found out that cameras were not allowed. I won't go into how ridiculous that was. Dave Barnes was amazing, as always. And I talked to him afterwards for a bit. We're now best friends forever.

By the time Hanson came on, I was drunk. And in VIP seating. One of my favorite parts of the whole show was when they were playing and I could see Dave Barnes backstage watching them. It was his first show with them. It made me miss the music business so so much. I got very overwhelmed several times...just thinking about how big of a part they've played in my life. Particularly when I was younger. They were a huge reason why I even wanted to be a part of the music industry to begin with. Since I have very little musical talent, I wanted to be a part of music from behind the scenes instead. It was a very emotional evening for me...and led to a lot of "Did I make a huge mistake" kind of thinking.

In other news, my impromptu date on Friday went better than expected. He's smart and witty and has a nice car....plus I know he really likes me. Expect more stories to come...

A dream from last night

2008-10-07T21:17:00.002-04:00

For some reason I had a yearbook...a yearbook from my last year at Belmont. And I was in the Curb Event Center, where this lovely presidential debate is currently being held as I type this. There was a table in the middle of the place and it was set up like a book signing. Sitting at this table was McCain, Obama, and Tom Brokaw. There was a long line...full of Belmont kids. When it was my turn, they each signed my yearbook. Also, they each handed me a balloon. McCain's had his name on it, Obama's had his name, and Tom Brokaw's balloon was white with tiny red and blue stars on it.

I don't know what this means...but I'm hoping that this debate adds a little more value to my Belmont degree...maybe it doesn't belong in the trashcan after all....

Disappointed yet again.

2008-10-04T14:55:00.005-04:00

It's no longer convenient for my dad to have a daughter. I moved back to Florida almost two months ago. My father lives in Tampa, which is about 20 miles from my house. I've seen him once. And it's not like we don't try to make plans. In fact, every weekend he says something along the lines of "We'll have lunch on Saturday" or "I'll be there at 2" or "I'll call you at noon." It has fallen through every time. Every time he just has his phone turned off. He doesn't ever call me. Doesn't ever show up. And every time I see his name on the caller ID the next day, when I know he's going to list one of his many ridculous excuses for not seeing me, I try to restrain myself from even answering. I want to give him a hint of what I feel like every time he disappoints me. But I answer. I always answer. I still care, even if he doesn't.

To make things worse, we actually have discussed this before. We discussed how it's incredibly disrespectful. If you know you're not going to make it, don't you dare tell me that you can. I rearrange plans for our get-togethers. And then I sit around all day waiting for a phone call or the doorbell to ring. He apologized profusely when we talked about this, told me I was right, and vowed not to do it again. But it just keeps happening.

Like today.

Today we were supposed to go to lunch. I called him every 30 minutes between 10:30 and 1. It went straight to voicemail every time. He finally got around to calling me around 3. Swearing that he never promised me anything. And then said (didn't ask) that we were going to lunch tomorrow instead. Problem is, I already made plans to go to the movies tomorrow because I was trying to fit MY schedule around HIM in the first place. And then he tried to get me to rearrange my plans once again. And the only reason he even wants to see me tomorrow is because he'll already be spending time with another friend who only lives 10 minutes from where I am...Clearly I'm not enough of a reason to drive freakin 30 minutes.

It makes me feel foolish when I tell people 'yeah I'm supposed to hang out with my dad tomorrow' then someone will ask how it went. And I have to explain to them that he bailed. Again. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that I'm beautiful and smart and he's oh-so-proud of me. He says he's glad I'm back in Florida again. Every year on my birthday he tells me the whole story of my birth and how it's still the best day of his life. He says things that a lot of girls would kill for their fathers to say. But words mean nothing when the actions aren't parallel.

What ever happened to loyalty? He's my freakin' dad. He raised me. He's known me for over 24 years. That's gotta be worth something. Whatever happened to appreciating the great blessings that you've been given...and making time for them in your life? Even when life is incredibly busy, you have to make time for the most important things, the most important people, or they're going to slip away. Whatever happened to respect? Treat people as you'd want to be treated is a proverb that many clearly don't take to heart.

I'm not saying I'm a saint here. I know I've made mistakes. I can think of numerous times in my life when I've screwed up. There were times when I said I hated my father (mostly when I was younger) or swear I'd never talk to him again (during the years that he called me fat). But I'm his daughter. Aren't I worth spending time with?

Yeah, I'm a little tired.

2008-10-04T01:00:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about CJ tonight. A man from my very distant past.

Joi is the only person I know that knew CJ.

I have a very hard time trusting men partially because of what happened between him and I.

He changed my life forever. For better or worse, I still haven't decided.

I'm thankful I kept a journal back then. It was a pivotal time in my life. It's amazing all that I've forgotten. And all that I let happen.

CJ happened when I was 18. I was just a baby. I had no idea what I was doing. He started it all.

(Yes, I'm aware I look horrendous)
(Yes, I'm aware that he looks like a turtle)

Hands Clean

2008-10-03T00:54:00.003-04:00

So I read Love Is A Mix Tape the other day. And I feel like it was practically written just for me. It is a sad and true story about a man who is a young writer for Rolling Stone and his wife dies suddenly. Andruw Jones, my favorite baseball player is mentioned in it. And Hanson is even discussed (in a positive way). Basically everything I could ever want.

I actually watched the vice-presidential debate. And I still hate politics.

There's a boy and his name is Taylor. He's a grad student at USF and he asked me out on a date. Again. However, I'm kinda busy this weekend so I turned him down. Will I ever say yes to him? He's so not my type but he wants to take me rollerblading. Which I love. I just don't know what to do.

I miss Nashville like crazy. My life there was incredible.

Very tired. Not fully coherent.

2008-09-27T04:17:00.003-04:00

Men always disappoint me. It never fails.
Ray sucks.
Julian sucks.
Jason sucks.
These two boys who keep trying to date me suck.
Travis sucks.
Nelson sucks.
CJ sucks.
And Leon sucks big hairy Mexican monkey balls.

Clara sent me this quote earlier. It made me cry...

“ We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else. ”

I miss my Nashville & Toronto friends. A lot. I miss actually being around people. Who would've thought I would actually miss going out????
I'm very alone these days.

However, I'm quite thankful for Grace. She's the only one that calls me on a daily basis. Though, that's nothing new. She's been doing it for a while now. But I love it. And I love her. Shes the only one who makes me feel not so alone.

The good, the bad, and the gas-less

2008-09-20T01:28:00.003-04:00

My second interview went phenomenally well. Better than I ever imagined it going. I just sent my thank you notes to the people who interviewed me. Now all that's left to do is wait till Monday. But honestly, I will be absolutely shocked and dive into a great depression if I didn't land this job. I guess I shouldn't be too cocky. Anything can happen still. But! If I did get the job, I could be starting as early as the 28th!

In other news: I leave in a few hours...to go on a trip that I don't want to be a part of. It wouldn't be so bad if Nashville actually had gas. That's probably the part freaking me out the most. If I can make it to Chattanooga, I think I'll calm down quite a bit. However, this gas shortage is ruining my social plans as well. I'm also not looking forward to the 12 hour drive ahead of me. Or the hard labor I must do. I just want to blink and have it be done with.

However, with or without the job, next week is going to be awesome!...for many reasons. I can't wait!

Box o'tissues by my side

2008-09-19T01:53:00.003-04:00

It's been almost three years. And I still find myself crying about losing him. Three years. And I'm still not back to normal. The day he died was easily one of the worst days of my entire life. And what's even worse is that I feel partially responsible for it. Like if I never moved to Nashville, everything would've been fine.

My mom called me early that morning. I knew it was bad news. She never calls me early. She knows better. But I answered. And before she even spoke, I could tell she was crying. And just like that, it was over. My best friend since the age of two was gone.

Other than the fact that he's gone, I think one of the saddest parts about the whole situation is that I feel completely alone in my grief. I honestly don't feel like anyone else understands. My friends were/are supportive. But nobody has actually been there.

He was the only one I could ever really depend on whenever I was upset. And I wish he was here to comfort me now.

I had a toothbrush at his house

2008-09-14T23:55:00.003-04:00

I did lots of boring things today. Laundry, reading, cleaning, working out, getting auto insurance quotes, etc. I really did nothing that would warrant a blog post. That is, until all of the previous activities were finished and I sat down to listen to some music on the computer and surf the internet. In a matter of a couple hours, I spoke to two boys who want to date me and FOUR that used to date me (considering I don't often date, this is an extremely odd occurrence). And, except for one, I did not instigate any of these conversations.

The boys who want to date me showered me with compliments and had a barrage of questions for me. Which would've been nice. Except that I have little to no interest in both of them. So instead, it just proved to be time consuming.

The conversations with the boys I used to date were nice, normal, and friendly...except with one of them. It quickly turned into confessions of a dangerous kind...especially considering that he's now married and his wife will be having a baby in two months. He was the second of the three guys who have actually broken my heart to a point where I thought it would never recover. Since I'm an understanding and forgiving person, we are still friends. But 2 ½ years ago, I was a complete disaster after our breakup. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. I was a mess. I struggled through it with the help of a life-changing, soul-altering vacation to the British Virgin Islands and very soon after I met the third (and hopefully last) guy to break my heart into little tiny pieces....but that relationship could fill volumes of books and is a story for another time.

Anyway, when I was trying to cope with how I was going to manage to get through my days, I often found comfort in the fact that I knew one day he'd come crawling back to me. I had visions of me becoming a wildly successful businesswomen with loads of attractive men at my beck and call and one day he would come back, telling me what huge mistake he made, and I would wave him away. One of my aforementioned attractive men would escort him from the premises. Yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous however it helped somehow. But one thing I wasn't seriously expecting is that the day would actually come. Minus the success, everything else is true. Tonight, he went on and on about how letting me get away was one of the biggest regrets of his life. He said there was something between us and he was a fool for ever ruining our relationship in the first place. He said some nice things to me, about me, that he never even said when we were dating. And now he's stuck in a marriage. With a baby on the way.

When he told me this, I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel like victory was mine at last. I didn't feel like justice had finally been served. More than anything, I felt pity. For all parties involved.

That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore. -Sex and the City

My mother's daughter

2008-09-11T21:57:00.003-04:00

So every Sunday, I read the new secrets over at Post Secret. This past Sunday, there was one that really got me thinking about what I actually do want in my life.

I wasn't even going to write an entry about this. Except I learned some information today. I was talking to my grandparents and out of nowhere my grandfather asks me if I want children. I said 'No way. They're too much trouble.' When in reality, that's not usually the case. Then my grandmom started to tell me about how my own mother used to say that too. She had no interest in getting married and certainly not in having children. She used to babysit when she was younger and found that to be all the interaction she ever wanted with children. Weird. Maybe I am really my mother's child after all.

It won't go away. I hope it never does.

2008-09-05T22:39:00.001-04:00

I can't even get away from Toronto if I try. Right after writing the last entry, I was going to do a little research about Clear Channel (I have an interview with them) and the FIRST thing that popped up was about how Clear Channel owns the billboards in Dundas Square.

I spent many hours at the Scotiabank Theatre

2008-09-05T21:40:00.011-04:00

Today the Toronto Blue Jays played the Tampa Bay Rays. In Toronto. I watched most of the game with my grandparents. Naturally, during the game, they showed ads in the background which reminded me of Toronto (Mr. Sub, Home Hardware) and they showed many shots of the skyline. It made me extremely nostalgic for the summer...even though my fantastic summer ended only a month ago.

Seeing the skyline at night made me think about all the times I was downtown at night.

My first date with Julian...when I met him in front of the Scotiabank Theatre. It was my first time down there at night. I was amazed by everything I saw. Julian kept thinking I was looking for something/somebody. But I told him no. I was just taking everything in.

I also thought about one of my last dates with Rodney. Ironically enough, we also met at that same theatre. After the movie we took a stroll down to Lake Ontario. On the way, we were on the walkway right between the CN Tower and the baseball stadium. In fact I was looking at all the statues on Rogers Centre (the stadium) and while I was doing this, I tripped up the stairs. Rodney and I sat by the water for quite some time. We talked about life and love and each other. It was a gorgeous night. He walked me to Union Station after our lake side talk.

There was also the night that Clara, Felizia, and I went to Kensington Market for a graphic novel 'party' and as the sun was setting, we ended up walking all the way down to Queen Street and devoured some incredible crepes (well, Clara didn't)....which again, ironically, was right around the corner from that same theatre. Strange.

I am glad I'm here. I know it's where I need to be right now. And, actually I'm having a pretty good time so far. But I miss Canada and my roommates and my boyfriends terribly. Some days go by and I barely think about it. Actually most days are like that since I've oddly been quite busy. However nights like tonight make me wish I was still there. It's nights like tonight where I can close my eyes and really feel like I'm still there.

I miss the boys

2008-09-02T17:41:00.005-04:00

So I'm sitting here on my couch in my condo, staring at my Bachelor's degree which is sitting near my TV. And I'm thinking about how it would do just as much good if I just tossed it into the trash. I'm tired of the constant rejection. I'm tired of not even being considered for jobs that I KNOW I could do with my eyes closed. I'm tired of people saying "oh this sounds perfect. This is it, for sure" and constantly giving me BS reassurance because they think that's what I want to hear.

Today I came across a job that I'm sure I would love. The deadline is tomorrow. So I spent literally HOURS fixing up my resume, writing an awesome cover letter, and filling out this obnoxious application so that I could spend even more time dealing with a malfunctioning printer and figuring how to work my mother's confusing fax machine. And once I was finished with it all, I already felt like I had been turned down. It's sad that I've just come to expect it now.

I spent the 20 minute drive home from my mom's house in tears. I keep telling myself that the day will come. It just has to. But I feel like I lost all hope long ago. I can't keep getting my hopes up just to have them dashed a few days later. I can't keep doing this.

I wish I was having boy problems instead. I can handle those. I can usually figure them out without much difficulty. But this....I just don't know the answers.

My cat is at the end of the bed

2008-08-31T01:08:00.004-04:00

Joi was visiting me for several days....this is the reason for the lack of updates.

This will be there first night I've been here alone and in my own bed (I fell asleep on the couch once). Maybe it's just because I'm not comfortable here yet, but I've been freaking myself out all evening. When I stood in the bathroom taking my contacts out, I feared that a crazed psycho was going to come from around the corner and try to kill me. When I walked by my bed, I feared that a scary green monster was going to stick his hand out from under my bed and grab onto my ankles. When glancing over at my closet just now, I imagined a scary little girl with white eyes poking her little head out and saying hello to me. Clearly all of these things are totally irrational. But still. I must've watched too many scary movies when I was younger. I've lived by myself before and never had such psychological issues. I'm sure it'll go away in time.

It doesn't help that something real actually made me freak out a little bit today. I was sitting in my guest room/office (where I don't do any work whatsoever) and I kept hearing a faint *boom* *boom* *boom*....like it was almost on a beat or something. It sort of sounded like the neighbors upstairs just walking loudly. Then I realized that none of my neighbors are here. Nobody in any of the adjacent apartments are in town. Then I got scared thinking that someone was trying to break in upstairs. I carefully tried to peer out the windows to see if I could find any clues. That's when I realized that the sound seemed to actually be coming from outside, not upstairs. I went outside to make sure I was correct. I still didn't know what was causing this noise though. My head went through a million possibilities: A propane plant was blowing up (much like one did in Toronto), insane fireworks (even though it's not a holiday), odd thunder without any lightning, Russia starting WWIII, etc. I checked the news channel but there was no breaking news or anything. And after Googling it, I came to find out that it was actually fireworks...even though, like I said, it's not a holiday of any kind. I was both annoyed and relieved at the same time.

My mom's coming over early tomorrow to see my place. She's seen it before and all...I mean, she does OWN it. But the last time she saw it, it was a complete disaster. It looks completely different since I've moved in :-D

Insomnia

2008-08-22T02:46:00.000-04:00

I felt very inspired all day today. Normally, when inspirational days come along, I end up with pages full in my journal, a feebly attempted drawing, or a few poems here and there. But today, in addition to my inspiration, I also felt helplessly lazy.

And here we are. It's nearly 3AM and I'm not sure why I'm awake. Throughout the day, I accomplished nothing worth noting. But I was in a very happy mood for all of it.

Today I spent a little bit of time hanging out on the dock at my mom's house. It was incredibly windy for some reason, but peaceful. None of the neighbors were out. The only sign of life was my mom's dog who was right behind me. The sun was almost completely set. There were only a few streaks of orangeish-pinkish-purple that I could see through the clouds to the west. The clouds passed quickly and I just stood there looking out at the tiny waves on the lake. I thought about a lot of things. Specifically about all the life changing things that have happened to me recently. The big decisions I've been forced to make. And most importantly, the (mostly) calm and (mostly) happy face that I've had on through it all. That's when I realized why I'm doing so well with all of this change. It's because I know, deep down, that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. There's something here for me. Some reason that I was brought here. And I'm going to find out what it is.

Don't get me wrong, I do miss Toronto, of course. In fact, right now I'm listening to the song 'Storm' which always and forever will remind me of this time when Rodney and I were on opposite sides of my bed. Not speaking. With our eyes closed. Holding hands. Neither of us moved a muscle for nearly half of the 20 minute song. And when it was over it felt like one of the best conversations I'd ever had. It doesn't sound like much when I put it into words. But it was one of the greatest, most intimate moments of my entire life. And I'm going to miss things like that. But I'm surviving pretty well so far. I haven't cried since my drive down here...which was over a week ago now. (Wow. Crazy, I know) I miss my roommates terribly. I miss colorful money. I miss the crazy people who would talk to themselves on the subway. I miss the subway. I miss late night walks to 7-11. I miss Swedish Berries and Fuzzy Peaches. I miss walking down the Danforth and seeing the big sign for a store called "Pants Only" and I would always think about how that would be the worst possible place for me to go. I miss all my dates. I miss Freddie, the neighbor's cat. I miss hearing the family of raccoons climb up and then back down our house everyday. I miss the broken toaster oven that would only work if you used a screwdriver to turn the knob. I miss sitting in the very back of the streetcar and staring out the back window. I could go on with this list forever.

But, the point of all this is: I do and will miss all of those things. But just like 3.5 months ago when I knew I belonged in Canada at that moment, I know that for now, I belong here.

So sunburned

2008-08-20T01:54:00.006-04:00

So, I'm 24 now....and I've actually never felt younger. I look around at people that I graduated high school with and they're running around with children, or planning their wedding, or going to grad school. And I look at myself and see someone much younger. Someone who still has no idea what to do in life. Someone who is too indecisive to make any definitive decision and as a result, ends up walking around in circles. Someone who is not sure she will ever figure things out.

But then again, does anybody really ever have things figured out?

Of course not.

In other news, my beach vacation was lots of fun. It was great to see my family all together like that. And I've already been invited to a girls night out with my two cousins this weekend. I'm looking forward to potentially becoming friends with them for the first time in my life.

My grandmother and I are now friends on facebook. Yeah. For real.

My family (&Colleen) in a massive boys-vs.-girls game of volleyball:

Au revoir

2008-08-15T21:01:00.004-04:00

Before I left Toronto, I had all these plans of writing a beautiful blog entry that would completely sum up my time there. A blog that would have a sense of finality to it and when I looked back on it, it would probably bring tears to my eyes.

This obviously didn't happen. Those last few days there were the busiest ones I had. Figures. But I almost feel like I can't move on with my life here until I sort of have a sense of closure with everything that happened this summer.

Saying goodbye to Clara was super hard. I cried several times during the drive because of this. But, in reality, I know I'll see her again. And we still talk/email/message and such. It's not goodbye forever. Just goodbye for now.

My last date with Julian was a little strange. It felt odd sitting there with someone that I knew I wouldn't see again after I left. He actually spent the night with me and we said our goodbyes the following morning. I don't regret anything that happened with him.

Saying goodbye to Rodney was probably the toughest of all. Because he's the one person that I WANT to continue a friendship with but also the one I believe is most likely to disappear from my life. Though, I only think this because he reminds me of Leon. However, unlike Leon, Rodney gave me a goodbye that I never thought I deserved. He went above and beyond for me by writing me a nice happy song. He spent the whole day with me. We even had several incredible, passionate goodbye kisses. These were all things that I wanted with Leon....all things I never got from him. In a way, I feel like Rodney was my reward for everything I dealt with. Sure, he messed a few things up....as did I. But at the very least, I know that someone like him exists in the world. In related news: he and I are talking right now and he just said he misses me. How bittersweet.

I'm not sure what the upcoming weeks will hold for me. With my birthday coming up tomorrow and spending some real time with my whole family, it's sure to be an experience. It'll be strange trying to fit in with my family once again. I've always been the one out and about in the world. I was always the only one that was absent from family events. It'll be weird and hopefully nice to not have that happen anymore. What I'm not looking forward to is the job hunt. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take.

A few points

2008-08-13T23:03:00.004-04:00

Number of hours traveled yesterday: 13
Number of hours to travel tomorrow: 10.5
It's weird to see how life has gone on without me in Nashville.
I hope I never forget the experiences I had in Toronto.
I hope the friends I've made never forget me either...especially my favorite select few.
I have yet to have time to really think about what's going on in my life.
I'm almost afraid of how I'll react once I do.
My life is changing daily. I'm just going with the flow.

Regrets

2008-08-07T14:49:00.001-04:00

Regrets are usually the things you didn't do
Exhibit A

Why I love being a girl (and other random thoughts)

2008-08-07T00:42:00.004-04:00

Today I went to get my oil changed. When I walked in, the guy originally told me it would take at least an hour and a half before he could even start working on my car. But, it was necessary so I really didn't have much of a choice. He started asking me information about my car and I turned on my lovely charm and we started making small talk. I mentioned a few times (while leaning over the counter and making sure my cleavage was seen) that I really needed this done because I was leaving soon on a long car trip and blahblahblah. Long story short, my car was done in less than 45 minutes.

It's amazing how easily one can adapt to certain things. I always say that I could never live without things like the internet, my digital camera, and my car. But, if it came down to it, I would survive.

Some things I thought I couldn't live without:

$1 American Bills- I've been handling these Canadian loonies and toonies like a regular Canuk
A microwave- Last summer, I didn't have one
A dishwasher- I haven't had one for two years
A washer and dryer- I didn't have one for 6 months
My entire wardrobe- I only brought about 1/3 of the clothes I own to Canada. And I've found that I don't even wear all of them. There are things that I brought that I'll never wear here.
A double bed- I was stuck with a single bed for 2 years, got a normal bed, and am now back to a single bed again.
Leon
Dairy products- I was/am slightly lactose intolerant and stayed off all dairy products for at least 6 months. Though, I have since decided that I don't care if it makes me sick.

Why I don't talk to strangers

2008-08-05T00:46:00.009-04:00

For the past few days, plans have either been canceled on me or they never existed in the first place. This led to a mostly unproductive weekend. I do not possess a metropass for the month of August which limits my mobility greatly. Every potential trip out of the house is debated in my head. Is it really worth it to go to Queen West/Eaton Centre/the beach/etc? What am I going to do once I get there? Am I even going to buy anything? Is it cheaper to drive & park? You know, I'd better save my subway fare for when I actually do something important and/or go see someone. Ultimately I get led back to the couch to watch more Sex and the City or to my desk to write or to my bed to read. On the whole, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. But three days of this can make life start to seem pretty grim. I have been out of the house at some point during those days, at least just to take a quick walk. But today, I decided to venture out a little further.

I walked down to Riverdale Park East...which overlooks the Don Valley Parkway and provides an excellent view of the skyline. All in all it was a 4.5 mile journey which included a stop to watch little kids swimming, browsing through Book City, and perusing a used CD store. And yes, I came home empty handed. This all sounds very mundane, I'm sure. But I haven't yet gotten to the highlight of my voyage.

Upon my arrival at the park, I found an empty bench to sit on. I was going to pull my book out of my purse and start reading but instead I decided to go through messages in my cell phone. That's when I spotted a very dark skinned man out of the corner of my eye who looked a little rough. He was holding a baby girl no more than a few months old. If he wasn't with a baby, I probably would've assumed he was homeless. He was around 45. His hair was scraggly, his shirt wasn't buttoned correctly, and his jeans had holes in the knees. I could see him start walking closer to me. I started to pretend that I was super into a text message that I wasn't really writing. Of course, he took this to mean Please sit down next to me. I'm dying to talk to you. I never got his name but it was obvious from his thick accent that he was from Jamaica.

Jamaica: Are you enjoying the day?
Me: Yes, it's really nice out. Not too hot.
Jamaica: (talking to the baby) Say hello to the pretty lady
[Since it was a baby, it obviously didn't say anything. I waved and smiled at her to be polite]
Jamaica: Do you have any of your own?
Me: My goodness, no!
Jamaica: This here is my niece. I don't have any either. Don't you want children?
Me: Not right now, no!
Jamaica: You know, maybe you could have our first child.
Me: I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate this very much.
Jamaica: Why not?
Me: Because...uhhh...he's my boyfriend.

At that point, I got up and said I needed to start walking back home. I was almost afraid he was going to follow me...but luckily, I was safe...this time...

View at the park:

Flinch

2008-08-01T23:25:00.002-04:00

I'll never understand it. There will never be a time when I sit back and think 'ahhh it all makes sense now.' I trusted you more than I ever trusted anybody. I would constantly make excuses for you whenever you fell through. Whenever you did something that hurt my feelings, I would tell myself that you were just having a bad day, or you just forgot, or that's just how you deal with things. I read back through old journal entries and I realize just how desperate I must've seemed to you. I would've done anything for you.

Why am I even writing this right now? I haven't seen you in nearly three months. I still remember that last time we saw each other. We had a lovely bite to eat at Café Coco. It was ironic since you're the one who showed me that place years ago. You're the reason I loved it so much. But tonight, for the first time ever, it was your treat. I was shocked. You said it was my going away present. Then it made me think of the going away present(s) I got you a year and a half prior…before you went to England. It wasn't even about all the hundreds of dollars I had spent on you. It was about the thought and time I had put into these things. I ran all over town getting things together. I even helped pull off a surprise party for you…with your ex-girlfriend. But here we were…when it was time for me to go away…and you bought me…a cookie. After food, we inevitably ended up back at your place. We all know what happened then. Afterwards, we just laid in your bed talking for a bit. I had written you a letter that I was hiding in my glasses case. I was going to leave it on your desk before I left your house. I ended up not having to, since I just told you everything that was in the letter. I thanked you. I thanked you for opening my eyes and making me think outside the box, as you usually did. Without you, I wouldn't have even been leaving. It was because of your suggestion that I even looked into going to Canada in the first place. I told you that I was so proud of us. I was proud of our relationship and how we had come so far from where we started out...both as individuals and together as friends. I remember I stayed awake as long as possible that night….just so I could savor every last moment with you. However, the love I had felt for you disappeared quickly the next day. It was a Sunday when we woke up…which meant that you had to leave for church at 10:30. I had things to do anyway so I got dressed too. We barely spoke and got dressed quietly in different corners of your room. You walked me to my car, as you always would. You said you would miss me and gave me a hug. I backed away for a moment. I said 'wait' and puckered up my lips waiting for one last kiss. All you did was shake your head. My jaw dropped. I tried not to visibly seem shaken. I got into my car and as I was driving away, you waved to me from your porch. I cried the whole way home, feeling used and foolish once again. I waited days and days for an apology from you….but one never came. It never would. I didn’t even receive so much as a facebook wall post checking to see how things in Canada were going. The few times that I tried to message you, you would either ignore it all together or would respond with one or two vague and artificial sentences.

Not many people have hurt me the way that you have. And, by that, I'm not referring to any of the fucked up 'relationship' crap we've dealt with. I mean in our friendship. Before I left, you admitted that you loved me, you repeated over and over that you would miss me and that we'd keep in touch, and at one point you even expressed an interest in coming to visit me. But as soon as I was out of the country, you threw it all away as if I meant nothing to you. Then I hear that you're ignoring me on purpose because I'm so lost and confused. That's quite a hypocritical statement if I've ever heard one. We have BOTH left the country in search of something else. And both of us have so many passions in life that it makes it impossible to focus on one. Jack of all trades, master of none.

"It is the peculiar quality of a fool to perceive the faults of others, and to forget his own." - Cicero

Again, I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm not sure why I'm even thinking about you. In fact, I almost wish I could erase you. In a very Eternal Sunshine-esque way. Though I'm happy with where I am right now. And I know I'm here (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) mostly because of you. I know and accept that you're a part of my past. But, rest assured, you definitely will not be a part of my future.

Él habla muy poco español

2008-07-27T15:04:00.008-04:00

I'm very shaken by this argument I'm having with a friend. We are both to blame. I just want everything to be ok again. I have hope that it will be. But right now I'm finding it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need some time to think about the whole thing, I think.

I really miss Leon. I miss our conversations. I miss how every time I would have a tough day, I would call him and ask him to make me smile. He never failed. I miss the way he would make me feel. Good or bad it was still a feeling. He made me feel alive. He made me feel something that I thought I could never feel again (though I've since been proven wrong). But I've learned something important from him. He has taught me that a real friendship takes two people. It doesn't work out if I'm always the one begging, pleading, holding on with all my might.

The Leon that I used to know and the Leon he is now are two completely different people. Or I'm the one who is different. Probably both. While writing this blog, I actually found out some new information about him. Information that made me reconsider the previous paragraph, though I decided to keep it in anyway. I'm just very glad that he's going to be very far away from me for a long time.

He never deserved me.

A lot of people have been asking me what I want for my birthday (3 weeks left!). And I never know how to respond. I've just never been comfortable telling people something like "I want the navy blue sweater with the purple polka dots that was on the mannequin at H&M"...not that I would ever want such a thing, but you get the point. Presents are never ever necessary. Acknowledgment and well wishes from those closest to me are all that I need. But, for those that hate answers like that, I just like things that are meaningful. Things which show that my friends/family actually know who I am. That is so ridiculously vague, I know. But it's the best I can come up with.

After the spider incident which prompted my previous post, I realized why all these spiders were getting into my bedroom. Something has been poking holes through the window screen! I can't be sure if it actually was the spiders that did this, but who knows? Those horrid creatures are capable of crazy things. Anyhow, I thought about this and it would be nearly impossible for me to just keep my window closed for the remainder of the summer. It's just way too hot for that. I know that window screen patches DO exist...but really, that's not my style. So instead, I constructed what could possibly be one of the worst solutions: transparent tape.

An open letter to the spiders

2008-07-24T02:11:00.005-04:00

Dear Spiders,

Please leave me alone.

If you see that I'm in the room, please immediately vacate in the fastest way possible. I do not want to see you. I especially do not want to touch you. This rule applies at all times, even when I'm sleeping. Just because my eyes are closed does not mean that I want you waltzing in through my window and interrupting my peace and serenity. When I wake to find you in my room, it causes me to become sleep deprived as I will spend the entire rest of my evening patrolling every nook and cranny looking for more of you.

Also, please do not hide in my room waiting for the best possible moment to come out and frighten me. (I'm looking at you, ceiling light spider) It causes my heart rate to increase to a near-unsafe level and then you end up dead. It would be better for all of us if you just steered clear of me altogether.

And, please, under NO circumstances is it acceptable to lay your little spider eggs in my vicinity. When they hatch it causes me great panic. Especially when all the baby spiders are practically covering my ceiling. It's so much trouble to put on shoes with big heels, drag out the step ladder, and grab a flip-flop in an attempt to kill you all.

So, I think it's best for my health, sanity, and general well-being if you were to leave me alone forever. In exchange, you will be allowed to live. I'm sure you are useful in some way, but not in any way that I'm interested in. Please, don't take it personally, I just don't ever want to see any of you again.

Thanks for understanding.

-Jen

I'm watching Transformers...the cartoon.

2008-07-21T15:33:00.005-04:00

I got offered a job in Nashville. Though, it's the same nanny job I already had. The kid's mom emailed me today asking how I'm doing and said that whenever I come back, my job will be waiting for me if I want it. Apparently Jacob walks around and says "It's almost September and Miss Jen is coming back in September." Kids never forget anything. It breaks my heart. I miss them so much. Hopefully I'll have time to visit them. Jacob is starting kindergarten in a few weeks. *sigh* They grow up so fast.

My nights recently have been spent talking to Ray a lot. Last night alone, we talked for 5 hours. I wonder and worry about how it's going to be whenever he's back in North America. I know, it's still a ways off...but, you know me, it's practically my job to worry about things I can't fix.

It feels odd to have Julian back in my life again. I know what I should do in this situation. And I know what I want to do. The trick is finding a nice balance I suppose...but I'm not even sure that's possible. Maybe I should just enjoy the ride (no pun intended) and see what happens.

I sent my mom my birthday list today...
-A sub from Publix
-An ice cream cake from Carvel
-Spending the day in my bathing suit

Also, I took this picture for Grace:

:-)

China.

2008-07-16T11:16:00.002-04:00

I never thought I'd have to feel that way again. Sitting next to someone, feeling so distant from them. Wanting nothing more than to run away. Far, far away. Regretting everything that ever happened. Because it feels like I've learned nothing at all. One of my greatest fears is running into you and having an artificial conversation.

You're right next to me.
But I need an airplane.
I can feel the distance
As you breathe.

Last night I had a fairly decent evening which reminded me of Nashville and made me miss it terribly. Going to shows once or twice a week with some of my closest friends. Meeting and hanging out with SO many musicians. Hilarious pictures. Even an award show here or there. I almost forget how that was my life for so long. Ugh. Some days I just feel so lost.

I'll earn your trust making memories of us

2008-07-14T23:20:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. Between the ending of my relationship with Rodney, the beginning of our great friendship, a pseudo-date with Julian this Wednesday, talking to Ray nonstop, Leon moving to Mexico today, CJ's birthday coming up, and Nelson & Travis both having a birthday this past weekend, you can see why it's been on my mind.

I often wonder if I'm ever meant to be in love. I've always viewed it as this great magical force that is not even in the realm of comprehension. Words will never be able to describe it. So it's difficult to even attempt to write about it. I've definitely thought I've felt love for at least one. Certainly I've felt intense infatuation for many. But infatuation quickly fades and just ends up leaving me feeling empty. Though there's one thing I've always believed about love. One thing has never faltered. The most important thing is friendship. Without friendship, you have nothing.

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts. -The Last Kiss

In other news, I find it ironic that for the longest time, I was trying to avoid Florida at all costs. Now, I'm very happy and excited at the possibility of going back. It feels like it's time. Not only for this:

But mostly I've been missing this:

I'm crazy optimistic

2008-07-10T10:18:00.003-04:00

Breakups are never fun, no matter who is doing the actual breaking up. Even still, I can probably say this was the best breakup I've ever been involved in. The reasons are legitimate. We both know it'll be better this way. Hopefully it'll only end up bringing us closer together. I still like him a lot. I'm pretty positive he feels the same. But this is definitely a necessary step to take. I have been quite lucky. I feel honoured to spend time and space with a man so amazing.

I feel more at ease about my future. I spend too much time worrying about it. And recently, it has really stressed me out. But now that I actually have a back up plan, I'm positive that things will work out. They always do. I don't want to leave here, but if I have no other option, I'll still be ok.

I just look around me sometimes and think about all the awesome people that have recently come into my life. I love them and want to know them forever...no matter where I end up.

At Rachel's suggestion, I read the book Water for Elephants. It took me 2 months, but last night I was so proud because I actually finished it. I don't know that I'd necessarily recommend it to anyone, but it wasn't terrible. The first half was a bit dull but the second was exciting. The ending was a bit too predictable for my taste.

He seems to be leaving my life forever.

2008-07-08T17:12:00.002-04:00

We've barely talked since I've been here. When we have, it's been totally brought on by me. But mostly, he's just ignored my messages. Why?? Most will tell me that I shouldn't care. He's in the past and should remain there. But it's so hard to let go. He was a HUGE part of my life for so long. He changed me. Completely, wholly, perfectly. He taught me what love is, by showing me what it's not. And, near the end there before I moved away, we were getting along better than ever. I could easily call him one of my best friends. We talked about everything. Above all else, above every argument we ever had, above all the messy 'relationship' stuff, above it all, we were friends first. Everything else came second. Well, that's what I always thought anyway...

A month of so before I left, he told me that he loved me....for the first time ever (I'm very proud that I didn't say it back). He talked of how he would miss me and that he wanted to come visit. But then something happened. Out of sight, out of mind maybe? Either way, it really hurts my feelings. I don't like losing friends. Especially for no apparent reason. He always was very selfish though.

He's leaving for Mexico in a few days. He won't be back for at least a year, if at all. I'm starting to be quite glad about this. It's probably a blessing in disguise...

This isn't about me wanting him back, I don't. I just miss my friend. Not many people know me better than he does.

Storm.

2008-07-06T17:49:00.003-04:00

So, I'm just going to pretend that he's not going to read this...

Last night Rodney was going to make me a lovely taco dinner...in a much more complicated way than how I make tacos (since I make them from a box). Though once he began making them, I started to feel really sick. I'm not sure exactly what it was...maybe a combination of things. At one point I even tried to take a walk to see if that would help. I thought it had, but then all of a sudden, the sickness came rushing back almost as soon as I got back to his place. I ended up having to leave. The whole way home I was extremely mad at myself for being sick. I felt really bad that he went through all that trouble and I bailed. It was a very sweet gesture and I felt like I had completely ruined everything. I was most upset though because I really just wanted to spend time with him.

As expected, by the time I got home, I felt perfectly fine. But! Rodney then offered to come to my place. And I'm so glad that he did. He just practiced his guitar while I read a book. He's pretty good actually. I always get a little apprehensive about the creative endeavors of whoever I'm dating. Because, if they suck, you can't very well tell them this. But I could've watched him practice for hours.

Since I've moved here, I've become more aware of how little I actually know about music. I know a lot of people who would consider me their "go-to girl" for new music. And most would say I have pretty great musical tastes. But here, it's a whole different scene. So after practicing, Rodney plugged in his MP3 player to my speakers and we spent the remainder of the evening just listening to some of the highlights of his musical collection. I must say, I was quite impressed. I love when people share new (great) music with me. We mostly just laid there listening. Not saying much at all. Yet it seemed like one of the greatest conversations I've ever had.

I wish I could be sillier around him...the way I am with my closest friends. It's only a matter of time before I'm comfortable enough, I'm sure.

And, in completely unrelated news, how is it even possible that I know SEVEN people who have a birthday today??

Maybe part of loving is learning to let go

2008-07-04T12:34:00.004-04:00

You can only do so much for people. There is a friend I have who is in a hopelessly miserable state. She asks time and time again what she should do. And, as I always want the best for her, I give her great advice. After we have these long heart-to-hearts, she thanks me and tells me this is just what she needed to turn things around so she can be happy again. The last time we had one of these (a few days ago) it seemed like she was actually listening. It seemed like the situation really had gotten to the absolute breaking point and she had finally gained the courage to escape and get her glorious life back.

But no.

If I am nothing else, I know that I am a great friend. I jump at the chance to try and help those closest to me. But now I'm feeling as if I should just give up. Every time, my advice goes unheeded and things remain the same. It physically pains me. This woman is one of the absolute best friends I've ever had and it hurts to see her so sad all the time....especially because she used to be one of the happiest individuals anyone could know. She used to have this light inside of her that would make you smile just by being in her presence. It hurts me even more because she has all the tools and resources to fix the situation. She is like a drug addict who is standing outside the doors of a rehabilitation clinic, but refuses to go in.

The emotional part of me wants me to stay. To help pick up the pieces the next time they fall apart (and history shows they will most definitely fall apart). But the logical part of me knows that she'll never listen.

So, I will end this blog with something I once wrote to another friend of mine. A friend who also meant the world to me. A friend who I also would do anything for.

I hope you don't try desperately to be somebody's hero. That is what I've tried to do with you....as weird as it sounds. I just wanted to make you a better person. But I've learned over the past few weeks that there is only so much I can do and you need to save yourself.

C'est la vie

2008-07-02T17:34:00.006-04:00

I sent Clara (my incredibly beautiful and talented roommate) an extremely depressing email this afternoon. I found out that I didn't get a job that I thought for sure I had landed. I cried and cried. Not specifically because I didn't get that job. But because I still don't have one. Much of the day was filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. My resume is great, my interviews (usually) go very well, I have a degree, skills, and charisma. The past two months, I've been through so much rejection.

I haven't felt attractive in several days. Even though there are people who tell me daily that I am. Sometimes I wish I could hear it more from...certain individuals. But even if I did, would it make a difference? If I don't think it to begin with, then I'll never believe it...no matter who says it.

I'm not sure what brought on this sudden lack of self esteem. But it must end. Now. I haven't been like this in years. I'm an exquisite and intelligent young woman with the capabilities to do whatever I put my mind to. A great example of this is all around me. I freakin made it to Canada....alone. This is something I've thought about for the past 8 years. And I did it. I have so many great things going for me. And it's time that I fully enjoy them all.

I'm so thankful for my good friends and boyfriend that listen to me whenever I need it. You've helped more than you know.

Take it all in
The world's a show,
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

I took a nap at 8PM

2008-06-30T01:14:00.007-04:00

My last entry actually had some unintentional foreshadowing in it. The last couple days have been oddly perfect. The only problem has been my lack of sleep, though it was my own fault. But sometimes life can be better than dreams....

This is all strange to talk about since I know that he'll probably read this at some point. But yeah. Rodney, my "young boyfriend," asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday. He's the only person that I've ever kissed AFTER he asked if we could date. And the only person that I've ever kissed and slept with in the same day. At first I was feeling a little bit guilty about this. But that feeling quickly subsided. I don't regret a thing.

From the outside, it seems that I've jumped from one relationship to the other without hardly any time in between. Which is true. But it's a little different when I wasn't fully in the first relationship to begin with. This whole situation makes me see how everything works out perfectly...and that I'm quite a lucky girl.

And now I'm just waiting for that last missing piece of my Canadian puzzle...

In other boy-related news: I talked to my ex-boyfriend today. The married one. With the child on the way. And, as expected, he went on and on about how I'm the one he let get away. He still asks himself why he broke up with me, he thinks he's the perfect guy for me, etc. I ended up telling him to stop talking to me like that (which I haven't really done before). He didn't understand why, even after I reminded him that he has a pregnant wife in the other room. He wanted a better reason. So I responded with "well I actually have a boyfriend that I like...and, unlike you, I would never do that to someone I care about." That shut him up. Finally.

Backpack! Backpack!

2008-06-26T23:17:00.006-04:00

Every relationship I've ever had has, in some way, prepared me for the next one. Every guy I've dated has been just a little bit better than the one before it. Every time it ends, I end up saying "He was the best boyfriend I've ever had." The bar gets raised a little bit higher each time. This is both good and bad. I know Julian (mostly) treated me like a goddess. I wonder when I will find someone even better for me...(or maybe I've already found him???)

I've been missing my babies like crazy lately. There have been tears over it. I am constantly reminded of them no matter where I go. Jacob's 5th birthday is coming up. He'll be going to kindergarten soon. *sigh* It's heartbreaking....

A few other things:

I've been very creative lately. It's incredible.
I will soon be an expert cover letter writer and interview coach.
Maybe that can be my job.
I eat nothing but rice and pasta.
I want a sunflower.
And a massage

Ya hear me? I'm not afraid anymore!

2008-06-25T03:19:00.008-04:00

Click on it to see the big picture. There are a thousand things wrong with it. But you get the point.

For Clara, Rodney, and of course, Julian (who will never see it)

P.S. I really want to watch Home Alone right now

U + Me ≠ US

2008-06-24T03:55:00.007-04:00

I have decided that I can never keep normal hours. It's during these strange hours that I can be alone with my thoughts. Nobody (except sometimes Ray since he's on a very different time zone) is around to distract me. And I'm almost forced to deal with my feelings. Ugh.

I can't help but thinking things could've been different. If I had gone out to dinner with him and his friends like we originally planned, would we still be dating? I bet we would. In retrospect, there are a few things I would have done differently. But hindsight is always 20/20. Even from our first date I never expected anything but a good story out of it. And then all throughout the relationship I was constantly feeling insecure...I was just waiting for it to go wrong. Self fulfilling prophesy perhaps?

I'm not as lost and lonely as this post may make it seem. I'm actually handling it pretty well....though I'm not really sure why. "Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either."

But I do have a teeny tiny problem. To quote the great and legendary band 2gether: "The hardest part of breaking up is getting back your stuff."

Speaking of 2gether, I miss them. Time for a random picture!

Sharing a Twizzler on the subway:

In other news, I miss Leon. There I said it. He's terribly bad for me in any and all ways. I know this. I don't want to be with him ever, ever again. I just wish that maybe he would acknowledge my existence once in a while. I figured at least our friendship was worth something. As I'm sitting here thinking about this, the madder I am getting. I won't go into all the details right now. Those closest to me know how foolish he is. "I really do love you, Jen" "I'm really going to miss you" Bullshit.

I'm so thankful for/appreciative of my friends who are there for me whenever I need someone to talk to. They are my pseudo-therapists. As odd as it sounds, I'm so glad things are working out like they are. Even when things seem bad, I always end up being led in a better direction.

The Break Up

2008-06-23T00:32:00.004-04:00

Last night I was going to meet Julian and his friends (whom I've never met) for dinner. But instead, dinner was canceled because he had to go home to deal with last minute family drama. His father has been having mood swings and I don't know exactly what happened but it was enough to make Julian have to go immediately to his dad's house 45 minutes away.

He and I talked later in the evening. He told me some more of the details. And he also said something to me along the lines of "I wish I could tell you that this will all be better soon but I don't think it will. And it's not fair to you because I'm never around." At first I didn't think too much of this. I knew he was in a stressful situation. So, being the amazing girlfriend that I am, I just tried to be there for him and help him sort out some of his problems.

Then today, the more I thought about it, the more uneasy it made me. Was he trying to use that as an excuse to break up with me? So, I did the most difficult and logical thing: I asked him. And the answer I received was just what I expected. Yes. Yes he did want to break up. To make an incredibly long story short, he feels like he's not good enough. He's not around enough, he can't be there for me, I do so much for him, blahblahblah. Without seeming desperate, I tried to reassure him that I like him and all that doesn't matter. But I knew it was no use. He had already made his mind up.

I know this is nothing I did. Or if it is, it was because I was just too incredible. True, he wasn't around all that often. And I did complain about this from time to time to my friends. But that was probably the only thing wrong with our relationship. I think what I find to be most ironic is that he was by far the best boyfriend I've ever had. And I've even told him this. The only thing I can do now is give him space.

I never make a wish at 11:11...mostly because I'm never paying attention to a clock at that time. But today (before the break up) I was. And all I wished for was for Julian to be happy, no matter what that meant.

FAILURE

2008-06-20T19:44:00.002-04:00

So all day I was stressing about hearing from the last place I interviewed at because I knew they were supposed to make their decision today. They called me this afternoon. I didn't hear my phone ring because I was walking downtown along busy University Avenue. When I saw that I had a missed call from them, I was so excited! I checked my voice mail as soon as I could. They had called to tell me that they had given the job to someone else. Yeah..........

I'm well qualified (usually over qualified) for every job I've applied for. I have complete open availability. I'm well educated and a fast learner. I do great in interviews. I'm definitely memorable if only for the fact that I'm from the States. So I don't understand. Everyone continues to tell me to just "hang in there" and that I'll "get a job soon." But that 'reassurance' does nothing for me. There's only so much longer I can be here before I run out of money completely and am forced to go home...a failure.

I'm in love with this city, my friends, and my boyfriend. I can't leave yet.

P.I.M.P.

2008-06-18T00:21:00.003-04:00

I'm currently running on 2.5 hours of sleep. In fact, I should be asleep at this moment. So anything I say may sound a little strange. Don't hold it against me.

I've been missing my friends in Nashville a lot lately. Grace and Rachel especially. I wish we had the time to talk for hours everyday. Whenever they call (and Colleen too) my day is made so much brighter.

I feel like I have three boyfriends right now. Julian, my actual boyfriend. Ray, my boyfriend in Japan. And Rodney, my young boyfriend. I'm emotionally attached to all of them. And from each of them, I get a little piece of something different. I'm not doing physical things with Ray or Rodney. But still. I expect that I will talk to them everyday (and I usually do). And they're there for me when my actual boyfriend is absent. In a strange way, it makes me like Julian more. I don't know why.

Also, Julian is going through some hard times at the moment. And because of this, a very sweet and adorable side of me has emerged. I don't know where it came from. Julian tells me frequently that I'm too good for him. It's very odd to me to have someone who tells me that they appreciate everything I do. It's a nice change, I must admit.

Forlorn.

2008-06-16T23:19:00.000-04:00

Someone I care about a lot is sad. I can't do anything about it. Because they won't let me. And the same day this happens is the same day I do something horrible. Something that would hurt them if they found out.

I feel awful.

Magna Doodle and a pig pillow

2008-06-12T23:26:00.001-04:00

So I hate those girls that have nothing to talk about but their boyfriend. However, sadly, that is all the excitement that's really going on in my life. The job hunt is continuously discouraging. In addition, I'm having girl problems and so I've been feeling gross and generally unworthy of life. My only good friends here are my roommates. I'm not complaining about this at all, as they are lovely and incredible girls but it doesn't make for much excitement in the story telling department since we usually just hang out in the living room.

Well, Julian is just fantastic. We spent the whole day together on Wednesday and we did nothing, which, as you should know, is one of my favorite things. We just hung around his house. Watched a tv show about my favorite car, played old school Mortal Kombat (which I won 85% of the time...he was getting very upset about this), ate microwaveable pizza, he attempted to draw me on his Magna Doodle, and we sat outside on his roof top patio discussing shapes in the clouds. It was really quite cute. He's going home for the weekend so I won't be seeing him until next week sometime. *sigh*

I wish I wasn't so insecure about things with him. He gives me NO reason to be. Yet, I have trouble being completely confident with our relationship. Typical.

I'm not wearing pants

2008-06-09T15:37:00.006-04:00

There was one thing I was not aware of before I moved to Toronto: a lack of air conditioning. Most of the year, this is not a big deal. However, you'd be surprised at how hot it actually gets here. For instance, right now it's 30°C...which is about 86°F....and it's even worse when you factor in the awful humidity. And it's only the beginning of the summer. July is the hottest month here.

I just took a walk with my roommate. We were gone for maybe an hour. And now I'm sitting here, in my bed, minus pants, with a fan blowing right in my face. We are discussing buying a kiddie pool to put in our backyard...and then eventually throwing an awesome "pool" party. Watch out for this. It is happening.

Saturday with Julian was really super cute. We took a walk, went out to eat, then we laid in the grass in a really cute park. We ended up in the Little Portugal part of town where they were having a HUGE celebration....something about Portugal winning a game in the EuroCup. We made the journey back to my place and just hung out for hours...till he eventually had to trek back to his house for the night. The whole day was just sickeningly adorable. It wasn't until the following day that I remembered why I don't like relationships.

I've made the decision that men and women aren't meant for each other at all. I just get frustrated when I know that if the situation had been reversed, I would've done it differently. Reason #1823 why I love The Break-Up is because of this quote...

It's not about you loving the ballet. It's about the person you love, loving the ballet.

Such a simple concept...not that I'm a fan of the ballet...but you get the point. Yet, in ALL of my experiences with guys, they never fully got this. It's almost not worth getting into a fight about though because up until yesterday, he has gone above and beyond. When things like this happen, I always think about what certain friends would do in this situation.

......So, WHILE I was typing that, he called me. And he apologized. And everything is better. I didn't have to awkwardly bring it up. We didn't have to have a long, drawn out argument. Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow :-D

Taken.

2008-06-07T11:51:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was super mad. I ended up not having my first day of work like I was supposed to. I got all the way down there (a 30 minute journey involving a bus and streetcar) and they had no idea what I was doing there. The manager I talked to at my interview failed to talk to the manager on duty last night. After several minutes of discussion they thought it best not to train me that day as a brand new manager was also being trained. They said they'd call me on Monday to get it all straightened out. Seriously. Ridiculous. Though it is good because I had all of last night to prepare for a party and now I have all weekend to relax with my friends.

In other news, here's a conversation I had with Julian a couple nights ago...

Him: So what does my lady like?
Me: Your lady, huh?
Him: Oh, am I being too presumptuous?
Me: No, no. It just means that I'll have to cancel my other dates this weekend
Him: Well I wouldn't want to get in the way of your plans...
Me: Oh stop....So does that mean you're my man?
Him: I'd really like to be, if you'd have me
Me: Of course, I thought you'd never ask.

So yeah. We're supposed to spend the day together today :-D

It's been a while

2008-06-05T15:34:00.005-04:00

So my last post didn't really explain a whole lot. But it was kind of a personal health matter. I'm alright. I will be completely 100% better in about a week. It changed the way I look at things though. The doctor's phone call caught me completely off guard and I was very taken aback. However, in some twisted way, I am actually glad that it happened. Things always have a reason for happening.

Last night, I got a little homesick. For Nashville. I haven't really felt that way since the week I got here. But I think it's because now it's Fan Fair. There's not one person I've talked to there who isn't involved in it somehow. Since the year before I moved to Nashville, Fan Fair played an integral part of my experience in the city. And this year, I'm missing out. Though, overall, I hate it. The tourists, the heat, the traffic, etc. Plus, I'm not even a huge fan of country music. But still. I mostly wish I was there for Rachel. Since last year was oh-so-amazing/stressful.

Ok. Job stuff. So I got a job as the booking and promotions coordinator for this guy who does educational music for children. Last Friday was my first day. But today, I quit. I came here to have fun. I came here to meet people, experience Toronto, and have the time of my life. I wouldn't be able to do any of that if I stayed at that job. And tomorrow, I'm starting a job at a restaurant which is ironically named Joy Bistro. And there are several cute guys that work there ;-)

However, I don't really need cute guys. Julian and I are still doing pretty good. Though every few days, I start to get really insecure about things. He gives me no reason to be. At all. It's just me. I have problems trusting because of the winners I've dated in the past. I'm definitely trying to get past it though. However, he's pretty understanding of this. It's like I'm just waiting for him to screw up....and it still hasn't happened. He's been really great through all of this. He makes me smile :)

C

2008-05-31T03:05:00.003-04:00

Isn't it weird how one phone call can change your life forever?

I'll be fine. I know this. But the way I think about things has changed. My relationships with other people have changed. The way they look at me has changed. Everything is different now.

I don't really like it. But it taught me a lesson, that's for sure.

A Beautiful Mess

2008-05-30T00:16:00.004-04:00

I really don't want to get hurt again.

I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak, another major disappointment, another failed attempt.

The mistakes of the past are screaming in the back of my head, making it very difficult to trust him.

Every time I look at him, I see all the others.

I had a beautiful morning....

2008-05-29T02:25:00.006-04:00

Well, no news on the job front. I'm about to give up all together and go into prostitution. That's really my only option. However, lately, so much has been going on that I haven't really noticed my shortage of funds.

Like, I said in my last post, my mother was in town. She left on Monday and it did make me a little sad. However, before she left, we went to Greektown, which is right near my house and I got the best gyro I've ever had in my life. Ever. Which is actually saying a lot.

Julian and I are getting along well. I spent the night at his place last night after he took me to the movies. Then he took me out for breakfast this morning. It was really cute. He says and does the most perfect things. On paper, he adds up to be a great and incredible person. However, I can't help but feel like there is something missing...

So anyway, I've started to compile this short list in my head....
Things I love about Canada:
- My skin looks great...no breakouts really.
- Canadian boys love me
- The Subway....it's convenient, fairly clean, and is always part of the adventure.
- Everything has French and English on it
- They recycle EVERYTHING...If you see a trashcan, 9 times out of 10 there is a recycling bin next to it.

Things I miss about America (besides friends and family):
- Orbit Sweet Mint gum...they don't sell it here. Anywhere.
- American Twizzlers...they taste different than Canadian Twizzlers. Seriously.
- Fahrenheit...I hate how everything is in Celsius. When people say it's 10 degrees, I still have no idea what that means.

P.S. I'm kinda wishing I was in Japan right now....

Slide in, slide out

2008-05-25T00:51:00.002-04:00

Patience has been key these past couple days. My mom has been in town. And, while I LOVE my mom, there's just always something that makes me uncomfortable, embarrasses me, or makes me feel like I'm surrounded by unnecessary negativity.

However, we have been having a pretty good time overall. I got a little sunburnt at a Blue Jays game. Thank goodness. I needed a little color. We took a sightseeing tour where the tour guide hit on me several times in front of my mother. I've been eating real (and expensive) meals. And I've actually been driving my car (something I haven't done in weeks). Her departure on Monday will be quite bittersweet. I miss her a lot and it's kind of nice to have family around...especially while I'm not even in my home country.

I haven't heard anything about the job since my interview. I'm giving it until Tuesday. Then I'm moving onto something else. Oh! And I got my social insurance card today (Canada's version of a social security number) which means that it is completely 100% official that I am a temporary resident.

Last night, Julian took me out for drinks. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea. We ended up in an alley by the bar. And then I brought him home. He spent the night. However, it wasn't as scandalous as it sounds. Nothing happened. Well, not exactly nothing...but not everything. We talked a lot. Things I was afraid to ask were cleared up. He's sweet. And last night he proved how much of a gentleman he actually is.

In other news: I'm obsessed with the song "Butterfly" by Jason Mraz. Dirtiest. Song. Ever.

What a dilemma

2008-05-22T02:08:00.002-04:00

One person always likes the other person more. It is the reason for the fall of so many relationships. I'm sitting here, weighing my options. I could continue my plight of singledom (who says things like that? where do these things come from?) or I could try something that I haven't tried in a number of years: attempt an actual relationship. But should I even try this with someone who clearly likes me more? I've never been comfortable in that situation. I function better when I'm hopelessly throwing myself at a certain guy and praying that one day he'll appreciate how great I am. I'm not often on the other side of that. Honestly, I have no reason not to go along with this. He's a really great guy. Everyone seems to love him so far. He treats me like a goddess. Really, that's what girls seem to always ask for. And I've found it.

So what's the problem? Well me, of course. I'm the problem. In the back of my head I'll see flashes of how things used to be with Leon. Or how I wish a certain Canadian/Japanese/Jamaican guy was around. And I feel like if I jump into a relationship without being at least 90% sure about it, I'll be no better than Leon was not that long ago. I openly criticized him for it.

It's 2AM and I'm rambling a bit. So much more important stuff has actually been occurring. My job interview went great. Things are going fabulously with the roommates. And I'm picking my mom up at the airport tomorrow/technically today.

Tired. Sleep. Now.

Quite a bit has happened...

2008-05-20T21:08:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is my first official Canadian interview. I've had a phone interview already for the same job. The guy seems to like me a lot so I'm confident that it will go well. Though, I do have to be awake before God himself is up. My interview is at 730. AM. Yeah. Seriously. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to pull off fake happiness at that hour. Usually I'm either asleep then...or just getting to bed. Lets keep the fingers crossed.

The "M" on my keyboard is not functioning properly. It doesn't go down all the way sometimes. I think something is underneath it. And it causes me great frustration. I often type things like "crap" instead of "cramp" and "hoe" instead of "home."

My roommates and I had a party this past weekend then later we went out to dance. It was crazy fun. Pictures can be seen on facebook. Everybody that was at the party just seems to adore me. Oh how I love these Canadians. Clearly, they are my people. The thought of potentially leaving in a couple months makes me quite sad. I'm not sure I'll be ready then. Though my visa is for a year.....

Date #2 with Julian will happen at some point this week. Last night I had a horrific spider related incident that I'd rather not re-live. But this incident gave me the perfect excuse to message Julian. This is how that went...

Me: So. I know I just met you the other day. But I've never wished more for you to be in this city right now.
Him: I'm the same way... It's kinda strange that I just met you on Friday, but I want to see you again, soon
Me: Awww. Good. Same here. But really, I said that because a spider the size of the palm of my hand just came down from the light in my ceiling. I killed it but now I'm really freaked out.

It was a little awkward...and quite hilarious. I do like him. He's very different from me. But in a refreshing, exotic kind of way. It's hard to make any concrete plans for when date 2 will actually take place...because my mommy will be in town! Hooray! She gets here Thursday :-)

The Big Date

2008-05-17T02:28:00.003-04:00

All day long I had NOTHING to do. So naturally, I thought about how my date would go. Then I tried my best to not think about it because I would start to get anxiety. I know what you're thinking...what's the big deal? People go on first dates all the time. But I have a confession to make: I have never been on an honest to goodness "Let's get to know each other because I know nothing about you dinner and a movie" date. Not once in my life. Ever.

So I picked out the outfit. Yes, sparkle jeans were involved. I got the approval from my roommates and I was out the door. I got to the theatre only 5 minutes late. I was impressed. He was already waiting for me. Upon first meeting, we awkwardly hugged as he got out a "nice to meet you." We DID end up going to Hooters. It was definitely my idea. I found myself to be completely comfortable there. Not sure why. The fact that barely clothed women were constantly walking around me and my date really didn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't even see him check any of them out (though, doesn't mean it didn't happen). There weren't really any awkward silences in conversation. And good news, he's funny....in a dorky, endearing way. I definitely got wings (he got a burger) and I was positive that something was going to end up all over my white shirt. But I rolled up my sleeves and dug right in and was successful in my attempt to keep my shirt clean. When the bill came, he definitely picked it up. I didn't even offer to pay. I probably should've...but we all know I don't have any money anyway so I didn't bother. I'm not a totally horrible person however and I did thank him. There was a problem when he tried to pay though. They don't take debit cards (weird Canadian thing) so he actually had to go down the street to an ATM while I sat there. I took mental note of this so I could tell everyone later.

So, we get to the theatre again for the movie (which he paid for that too). I mentioned something about how there really aren't a lot of good movies out right now. He said something about how we're going through a short period of this and good movies will be coming out soon. I proceeded to point to a poster for the Sex and the City movie and I said "I definitely HAVE to see that one." And he said "Ok. Well I'll go to that one if we go see the Batman movie." This comment caught me completely off guard because
A) I definitely wasn't trying to imply that I wanted him to go
and
B) Clearly this means he wants a date 2
To be honest, I'm not even sure what I replied with.

During the movie, there was no hand holding, no arm-around-shoulder, no leg touching. Nothing. I was a little disappointed. But I understand why he didn't. I didn't really give him any sort of indication that I wanted him to.

After the movie, however, we were walking down the street to the subway station and our hands kept "bumping into each other." So I finally just grabbed his hand. Then I couldn't find my last remaining subway token. This is what happens when I have a very large purse and a token smaller than a dime. He then pulls out his wallet and gives me at least $10 worth of tokens that he no longer needs (because he has a pass). It was kinda sweet actually. To make a really long story a bit shorter, we stood on the subway platform and made out for a little bit. Till the train came anyway. Well, and then a little more when we were in the subway. I'm really not a big fan of PDA. Ever. But, I mean, where else were we gonna go? At one point, we had to get out and change trains. I had to find the eastbound, he had the west. His subway got there first. But he didn't get on it. He waited for the next one because he didn't want me to have to wait alone. Cute.

So, all in all, it was a fun night. An unexpectedly fun night. And really was barely awkward at all. I'm pretty positive I'll see him again. Who knows where this is gonna go....

In way more important news, I have a very good possibility of landing a music business related job here. Lets hope....

Worst thing to wake up to

2008-05-14T23:59:00.004-04:00

I killed a spider at 6AM as it was descending from the ceiling onto my bed. Scary wake up call.

So I counted today. I have sent out 21 resumes/job applications. And not a single promising response. I don't understand it. I'm a college graduate, a fast learner and an exceptional person. It's really hard not to get discouraged sometimes. Thankfully, my roommate Clara is in the same boat. I'm really hoping that she and I get jobs on the same day. That would be ideal. Actually, what would be ideal is if that day is tomorrow

Here's a bit of info that probably only Colleen will appreciate: I actually saw somebody with the Canadian flag sewn onto their backpack.

I heard from the family that I nannied for. I sent them an email asking about their trip to Germany and how the kids are doing. I was out and about the other day and saw a little doll that Ellie has...that's what prompted the orginal e-mail. When I read her response to me, I was nearly in tears. First of all, she informed that that their dog died while they were in Germany. Super sad news. When they came back, Jacob told everyone that a few of his stuffed animals "died" too. Also, the kids apparently talk about me all time. Ellie asks if I'm going to be picking them up from school. Jacob asks where Canada is and why I had to go and when I'm coming back. It's heartbreaking. I miss them. So much.

In better news, my date on Friday has been officially set. We might actually go to Hooters to eat. Which was my idea, not his. Not only have I been dying for Hooters since way before I left Nashville, but I also feel that it would only add to the awkwardness of night. Plus, I would be able to wear jeans. Then a late movie after that. He actually had offered to come ALL the way across town just to ride the subway with me on the way to eat. But I decided to meet him there...since it would be 40 minutes out of the way for him. We will see how that goes. If anything, it will make for a great story.

I hate dating.

2008-05-13T23:25:00.007-04:00

I rode a streetcar yesterday for the first time. I never thought I'd like public transportation so much. It's a mini-adventure every time. I think my favorite experience so far has been a lady who seemed to be talking to an invisible person. At first I thought she had a phone with blue tooth...but then I realized we were in the subway...no reception there. She just kept talking about how she had to sit in this 1/3 of the subway car. And something about acting and scripts. She would ask questions. And then it seemed like she was answering questions. Total loony tune. It was great.

I have a lead on the job situation. A temporary receptionist gig. I'll know more info tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed!

Anyway, before I get to the pictures (because I take so freakin many of them) I just had to make it known that I have been here for exactly a week. And today, I was finally asked out on a date. So Friday, dinner and a movie. I'm sure it'll be awkward and hilarious. Also, it's possible that I will have a coffee date on Thursday with someone else. But I'm not so sure about that one...

Ok. Pictures

From the northern part of downtown

University of Toronto...well one of about 1,000 buildings

Some church on the U of T campus

Statue in Queen's Park

Clearly this is my house.

I'm so skilled

Royal Ontario Museum

Ok. Grey squirrels don't exist here. They're either dark brown or black. Seriously. It freaks me out every time. I always think it's a small cat.

More around the U of T

I was on the phone with Colleen and I said "I'm going to take a picture of where I am while I'm talking to you."

I gotta pee

Ew. Who's that creeper taking my picture?
Oh wait.

Union Station

Union Station and the CN Tower

Inside Union Station....I almost hopped that train to Ottawa...

Little Italy
Unfortunately, I didn't take too many pictures here

Ok....So, I made one of my Maple Leaf brand hot dogs in the microwave (which I never do) and when I took it out, it contorted itself into looking strangely like...well....something else.....

I shouldn't check emails late at night.

2008-05-11T23:49:00.001-04:00

Ok. When I was about 9 or 10, I trained a dog named Spright. It was a Bouvier Des Flanders and about the size of me at the time. It was for my mom's friend who was physically unable to be with her in class and train her. So, I think it was once a week, she'd pick me up and the three of us would go to dog training class. She would observe while I went through the whole class with the dog.

She was a great and amazing dog. And a few days ago, she passed away. The dog clearly lived a very long life. Almost abnormally long for that breed. But this dog was nearly the center of my mom's friend's life. So, I sent a sympathy e-card to her today (nerdy, but all I could really do). She just sent me a thank you card back with a message that said

Thanks Jen. Spright loved children all her life because of the time you spent with her. Hope you enjoy your time in Canada.
Harriet and Copper

And now, I'm crying.